Ready to quiet that nasty little voice in your head? You know the one, the inner critic that constantly tells you you’re not doing enough, not good enough, not productive enough. It’s exhausting, right? In this episode of Ask Dr. Jodi, I’m diving into why we have this relentless inner critic, how it tricks us into thinking we need it, and, most importantly, how to transform it into our biggest cheerleader instead. My guest Leah shares her experience of shifting from harsh self-judgment to an overbearing inner coach, and together, we unpack the real impact of perfectionism, burnout, and unrealistic expectations. If you’ve ever felt trapped in a cycle of self-criticism, this conversation is for you!
We all have a hostile inner critic; it’s part of how our brains evolved to keep us safe. But in today’s world, that survival instinct can turn into a constant pressure to be better, do more, and never slow down. We use it to judge if we are worthy enough, smart enough, happy enough, successful enough, pretty enough, etc, etc. And when we start measuring our worth by productivity? That’s when burnout sneaks in.
In this episode, Leah and I dig into where her inner critic comes from, how it shaped her sense of self, and what happens when, in an attempt to make it positive, it morphed into a drill-sergeant-style coach who never lets her rest! She came on the show because she was looking for more balance in her life and less burnout. That’s important for her because she is starting her own business in addition to working full-time. The business is her passion, so countering the “coach” by not doing the work, as one therapist told her to do, doesn’t help her find the balance and still reach her goals.
Enter me! In this live streamed episode, I get to know the context and history of her inner critic, looking for a way to, finally, shut it up. You’ll be surprised by what we come up with! The goal isn’t to silence your inner voice completely, it’s to change the conversation, so everything shifts, and you actually get more done with less stress.
Key Takeaways
Resources Mentioned in This Episode
Thank you so much for listening to Ask Dr. Jodi! If you enjoyed today’s episode, please take a moment to leave a five-star review on Apple Podcasts and share it with someone who needs inspiration or help to heal!
Dr. Jodi: [00:00:00] We're talking about your inner critic, that nasty little voice that is inside our minds that say the worst things to ourselves. We could be our own worst bully. We could be so mean, meaner than we would be to anybody else. We tend to judge ourselves 10 times more than we'd ever judge anyone else around us.
We would never say these things to somebody else. Most of the time we wouldn't say these things to someone else, but we have no problem Criticizing ourself in such a negative way in a way that we absolutely do not deserve We do not deserve the intensity of this inner critic. What is an inner critic?
Why do we have an inner critic? Let's get into the that in this episode of ask. Dr Jodi, we're on live every Monday at 8 p. m If you don't know if you're watching this is recording know that you can watch us live every Monday at 8 and you could sign up To come on our [00:01:00] show and be a guest today. We have Leah here talking about her inner critic and she volunteered to be on because she wanted to talk about this topic.
And in a couple of minutes, we'll bring her on and she'll tell us her story, but I just wanted to tell you a little bit about where this comes from. Why do we have this inner critic? Why is it so nasty? There's a lot of reasons for that, but really, we've grown up in this culture that has these high expectations.
We have these really high expectations of ourselves. We're not really sure how high or what they exactly are or how to exactly define them. They're unrealistic. They're undefinable. That's why. But they're so high. That we could never meet them. And when we don't meet them, we think we're inadequate. We think we should meet them.
And the fact that we don't means that we're inadequate or unable or not functioning or a mess or whatever those things that we tell ourself about not meeting these unrealistic expectations. [00:02:00]Now, if they were realistic and we could meet them, we wouldn't be so mean to ourselves. But this is why. And this is why I talk about this over and over because our anxiety voice and our inner critic voice is constant in our head saying these negative things.
And what happens is. We need to say those positive things over and over and over to counter how many times it said those negative things. That's why you might hear me. If you hear my videos, I'm saying these positive things about you that you're so much better than you think you are because I need to convince you.
I need to say them over and over so that you believe them. But in the meantime, I'll believe it for you and I'll keep trying to convince you. So the reason why we have this inner critic is our ego or anxious voice or our mind. is always looking for a problem in order to keep us safe. We're always looking for some kind of problem so we can head it off at the past and fix it before it [00:03:00] damages us or kills us or whatever, right?
This comes from millions of years of our brain evolving to try to help us survive. So our brain is constantly looking for what is the problem? What is the problem? And it tends to, when it's doing that, so you don't miss anything. It tends to spin some things as more negative than they actually are, just in case.
Most of the time, this is, these are not problems that are dangerous to us, but we still do it just in case. And now in our modern culture with these high expectations, it's exponentially impounded because we think that if we don't meet these expectations, that we'll get left out of society. We'll get somebody will see us for who we are and not like us anymore and kick us out.
During hunter gatherer times, if you were kicked out of the community, You'd be dead. You couldn't live. We're social beings. We need the community to live. But right now and the way the modern world works, you're not dead. [00:04:00] If someone's judging you, you're not dead. If you don't meet expectations, I don't want you to meet these expectations.
They're ridiculous and unrealistic. And they only make you feel bad about yourself. They make you compare yourself to other people, which is apples and oranges. You're comparing with their very best quality with your worst one, because this is what we do, right? We just have this deficit mentality and our we're not doing it because something's wrong with us Or just negative or a week.
That's not why we have this really strong negative inner critic or this negative self judgment It's because we're trying to survive, right? I want you to have tons of compassion for yourself because that's the first step in helping yourself feel better is to have Compassion for yourself for all the negative things you feel actually have compassion for every single thing you feel You Because that is the first thing you need to do so that you don't attach to it.
And you could actually take that step back and do what you need to do to [00:05:00] help yourself feel better. All right. I'm so excited to introduce Leah to you. I have never met Leah until tonight. We did a sound check before we started. So I've never met her in those few minutes. She's lovely, beautiful person.
And I'm going to have her. Tell us a little bit about her story and let's see if we could help her feel better. So Leah, welcome on.
Leah: Thank you.
Dr. Jodi: You're welcome. So tell us a little bit about yourself, maybe the context of your life a little bit. Obviously don't, you don't have to tell any identifying details, but tell us a little bit about where does this inner critic live?
It comes from the context of our life. I know. So tell us a little
Leah: bit. Sure. I think my inner critic has turned into something a little bit strange because I, it started when I was younger, maybe in my early 20s, or probably in my teenage years, let's be real, when the shame and judgment starts.
Middle school? Yeah. And, Yeah. Yeah. And, You know that [00:06:00] critic was I think like many people You know telling you're not smart enough or you're not pretty enough or you're not thin enough or you're not whatever it might be and Around 25, I decided I didn't want to have that voice being like that anymore, so I tried to change it into a coach instead telling me, to do positive things or oh, everything's going to be fine, yada or getting me to be productive instead, putting that anxiety energy into being productive.
But now it's transformed into this coach that I like to say is training me for the Olympics when I really just want to be casually going to the gym. See it was intense. And like you were speaking about, it just drives me to be. Super productive constantly. And I know I struggle with perfectionism and trying to be an overachiever and things like that.
And so this critic or coach can just be so intense and then makes me feel like I've still never done enough, even if I've done more in a week, maybe than the average person might've [00:07:00] done.
Dr. Jodi: I'm sure you have done more in a week than the average person. I can imagine. So I see, so it put on a different hat, you're in a critic.
And acted like it was trying to protect you or trying to benefit you by having you successful. But then it just the stress and pressure that you're feeling is that I'm assuming that maybe I'm, it's implied in what you're saying is there's a lot of stress and pressure that's come along with it, but then higher expectations that you still have to live up to.
And because you're so high functioning, you are living up to them.
Leah: But getting burned out often or flirting with burnout very often and having trouble finding that balance to be a human while still pushing forward as well.
Dr. Jodi: Yeah. I think this is a very common thing. Can you tell me what is your, what does burnout look like in your life?
How are you noticing it when you're getting close to it or when you're feeling it? What are you noticing?
Leah: Yeah. I'll physically. [00:08:00] Be more tired. And it feels let's say I normally run on four batteries inside of me, it's as if I just have one battery now. And so everything is just that much more difficult.
And I feel like I have to almost put on a mask around people to pretend like everything's fine, when really on the inside, I feel like this,
Dr. Jodi: yeah, is there anybody you're telling the real Leah or what you're really feeling?
Leah: Definitely. I have some friends and my mother, so I'm very thankful for them, but trying to find balance is just something that I constantly struggle with.
I love having a really active social life and I get so much out of talking with other people and hearing about their perspectives, and it's something that's so fulfilling for me. And doing well at work and. But then it's hard to find time to recharge, or it's hard to Not find the social time
Dr. Jodi: about is it hard to find the social time?
Leah: It's hard to [00:09:00] find alone time to recharge my batteries I feel like I'm an ambivert and so I need time just me to recharge but okay So you're
Dr. Jodi: working you haven't sacrificed a social life because you need that which is good in a lot of ways, right? It probably gets you out of your head a little bit or like seeing how other people are doing it But you don't have that balance of having some time where you're recovering exactly Or maybe there's no time when you're recovering.
Leah: Yeah, very little time each week because that coach is you could relax or you could do all these things.
Dr. Jodi: It's like it's measuring your worth by all the things it does. Yeah, exactly. So that's where the attachment is. Did you ever try, this seems so over simplistic, but I just, I don't know you so I wanted to make sure I'm not like giving advice is something you tried a million times.
Did you ever try to put the rest? As a task or a goal?
Leah: I have, so generally in my calendar, once a week I'll write no in it [00:10:00] or do nothing. . .
Dr. Jodi: The whole day. . I'm jealous.
Leah: It's tough though. And some weeks I'm very good and I'm strict about it. And other weeks, like last week, which is why I think I'm in this mindset right now.
Last week I didn't, I prioritized. Other friends were struggling with things, so I was their person, which I love to be, but it's also a tax on that emotional energy that you have.
Dr. Jodi: Okay, so these, I'm so super curious about these no days. Tell me about these days. What do you, what does the day look like when you have a no day?
Because I want to understand. Yeah.
Leah: So a no day I will call them like a hedonistic day, so I can stay in bed until whenever and read, maybe even get a coffee, make a coffee and come back to bed and read. It's just delightful.
Dr. Jodi: Yummy. Make
Leah: a, make a tasty meal. And then generally I'll find some sort of art project that I'm working on, or I'll take myself on a date kind of thing.
So I'll go out into the city [00:11:00] and find a cute cafe or find something and maybe journal or read and just,
I'm going to hang out with me and whatever I feel like in that moment, go and do that.
Dr. Jodi: How do you, how is that are, is this coach like gnawing at you during that day or is. Are they silent?
Leah: They're still there. They're not yelling, but gnawing, I think, is a perfect way to describe it.
There's still that piece of my brain, that percentage of my brain that is saying maybe just an hour of this productive work, or even two. That would, then you could still relax the rest of the day.
Dr. Jodi: Still deep in your belief, in your core beliefs, that is not productive, that rest day.
Exactly.
Leah: Even though I know logically, like science says.
Dr. Jodi: You feel it, you've experienced it. There's testimonial to the fact that this is productive and it helps you the whole rest of [00:12:00] the time be more productive. But there's some, still some core beliefs that are still there. I don't know how old they are.
When you get in touch with that and think about those beliefs that still say this is not productive, what comes up for you? Like, where is that? Or is that belief, do you just, can you trace it back at all?
Leah: I, it's been modeled to me for, this is something I've realized over the last three years.
I adore my mother. She's a role model in so many ways. I've learned my social abilities from her, my organization, et cetera. But she's retired now and she's still doing more than most people do when they were working full time. And so I've seen it modeled and that's what you do. And she's been very successful.
So it must. She
Dr. Jodi: doesn't have any [00:13:00] experience of burnout or any inner struggle about worth with her productivity.
Leah: Her and I have had many conversations about it and she's never said that she's felt that way as well, or that she's ever struggled with it, and we have a very open relationship that she's talked to me about a variety of other things that have she's struggled with.
She's just, better at recharging or, yeah, I'm not sure.
Dr. Jodi: Or just has different needs for recharging. Totally. So her needs. Could be, she could recharge in definitely completely different ways than you do. And she could be feeding off some of the things she's doing, and these bright days are these days, the no days you do have a creative project.
I love that. You just said that. I just love that. You said that, or you take yourself out on a date because so recharging to be creative. And so if your mom, she just, she may have a different relationship with the tasks actually, because if she's in a flow and in the flow state, she is not [00:14:00] depleting herself.
She's actually feeding herself in that flow state. It might be a totally different relationship because if you are productive the rest of the week and there's this coach keeping you productive, is there something interrupting in a flow state for you? Probably you've had a flow state before. You don't, you've had that, right?
And maybe you have that a lot. Does the coach interrupted or put like attachment in there?
Leah: My coping mechanism that I've learned for that is to set a timer and it could be a timer for three hours or something, or it could be for 10 minutes, but I set a timer when I'm going to be doing a task, let's say.
I've decided the next three hours, I can do whatever I want. I set that timer and then the coach is quiet because it knows after three hours, then I'll check in and see what needs to be done now thing.
Dr. Jodi: And so the three hours you're doing everything you want, that's no time or that's flow time?
Could be both. Okay.[00:15:00]
Okay. So it's thinking them in so the beliefs start cognitively. So when you want to change a belief, we can change it. But you have to be aware of that one that's there that we don't want, right? That there's still a core belief, a limiting belief that still is held somewhere inside of you.
Even though cognitively, you know that's not, doesn't work like that anymore. Or you know better that, you know that rest is good and you know that a flow state actually is more productive and then a pressured got to get it done state. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I don't think that's what you're not in that extreme necessarily.
That's what I'm sensing a little bit. But if you were to, if you were to continue to override, so it's a repetition of noticing that belief's coming there and overriding it is how you like bring it from your head all the way down into your core, so to speak. And so you could [00:16:00] do it you could just do it that way, so when you are, so you know what a flow state feels like, you know what a stop state, you know what a creative state feels like, you know what a pressured I'm going to, I'm going to put my butt in the chair and get stuff done.
Yeah. Some people need that more because they don't do it. And then you need a little ease up. You still want to have the same productivity, but not the pressure part. Exactly. Yeah. So that when, if you're in a flow state, you're actually not depleting yourself as much as you are. We're human bodies were limited.
We have limits, we can't stay up forever, you have to sleep but it's relative a little bit because sometimes if you're in a different energy state or flow state or something, you can live on less sleep. Day or two and still have tons of energy. It's not an absolute, but but I wonder if you could try and see if you could try to do more of those timers and get into the flow or I'm [00:17:00] going to whatever you decide to do.
With that, so first of all, you already have an intentional time, which I think that you're way ahead of most people. Most people don't block their time and have intentions. If they have a rough rest day, it's usually because they hit a wall and they can't move and then they don't get to enjoy it or get anything out of that rest day because they hate themselves for not doing what they thought they'd do today.
But if you have intention of a rest day, then you actually get to reap the benefits of the rest day. So you're way ahead of the game, probably because of all the work that you're doing on yourself. If you could, sometimes we just need to out trick our mind a little bit. And so if you know that you could set a timer and the critic could, the coach critic, not really, it's a critic.
If you could turn that inner critic off for that timer, because that's just really an exercise, right? It's just really a way to trick your brain into saying stop because I decided to do this. It's really our agency is doing [00:18:00] it. And we think that whatever parameters we put onto it is magic in a way, right?
So you could stop the inner critics. Sometimes I'd like to have to help people like delay their worry, just delay it until when you need it. You don't need it. Now, if you're like, what's going to happen in two weeks, we're going to get the decision in two weeks. Why, what are you going to do for two weeks worrying about it?
Just delay the worry until you have something to worry about, unless you could plan something or do something, but it's just you're just riled up for nothing, like helpless. So we use these kinds of tricks to magically shut that inner critic or the anxious thought up for a while.
And it's a practice. Then you do it again. So you might do it and get into a, try to get into the flow state without the pressure. And And then I wonder if as you practice more and more you've convinced yourself that core belief is that you need this coach, but as a coach helps you,
Leah: if you didn't have it.
I had therapy a [00:19:00] few months ago and the therapist said, try doing the easy thing. Like when your mind is like, Oh, I can do this really productive thing or this easy thing. Just for a week or two, just do the easy thing. There's no way that the way your brain works that you'll turn into a couch potato.
So just try the easy thing. How'd that go? It went really well. It was very nice. But I, but at the end of it, like I work a full time job and I'm attempting to get into entrepreneurship. And so that I find is the biggest thing that gets the critic kind of riled up thinking we need to start doing more things then.
Dr. Jodi: Yeah. So it's, there's this fine line, isn't it? Yeah. You want to have fun, especially if you're going to be an entrepreneur, you have to love what you're doing. You have to have fun, but there's also going to be some tasks that you don't like that you just have to do. But if you are enjoying so if you have a regular work day and you have your regular job, if you're doing as much as you can to enjoy and love [00:20:00] that.
And getting the flow and the most of your day, you won't be as depleted after that job and you will have more energy for the entrepreneurial job. But it's about loving. So even if you don't like the task, if you love the, if you love it anyway, fake it to you, make it a little bit, but yes, I'm going to do this, but so go back to actually the cheerleader, forget the coach for a second and be like the cheerleader and be excited about it. He's going to be a challenge. I'm going to get on the other side of it. It's going to be awesome. And then you're in like a flow state, but like of your awesomeness, right?
I like that. And so it was a different, so you get the stuff done, but you feel like, and then after you're done, you need to celebrate the heck out of that. It's yeah, actually do a chair, like rah, Leah, you did it. No, it's like you are awesome. That's whatever little thing you did after a full day of work and you're doing extra stuff, especially if it's hard or you have to learn something new to learn new software.
It is hard. I've been there for a [00:21:00] long time and I, I'm constantly in a new, learn new software to do this like online business thing and it's hard, but I have to love it. I have to love it to get in the flow of it. And then I'm in the flow of it, like what gets done, what doesn't get done, what doesn't get done.
So I don't have that pressure because I don't have that critic coach. I have that cell. I have the cheer person. And when I'm done, I'm like, I did that today. Like I did that. I cleaned my desk off. I'm like, I celebrate it. Because it actually invigorates me for the next test that I have to do. I
Leah: like that idea.
Pause and appreciate what you've done.
Dr. Jodi: In this culture, we're taught to, when we get a test done, we think of all the things we didn't get to yet. We're exhausted then. We're exhausted. It zaps our energy even more. He got the one battery instead of four on. But when I finish something, [00:22:00] especially if it was challenging, but like it charges me up to be challenged because we know that's good for our brain.
It's really good for longevity and brain health and that kind of stuff to learn new stuff. So I know it's good for me. It's like walking on the cold. I'm in New York, so it's really cold. It's been like a really bad winter. Lots of snow. All our friends are like, this has been such a hard winter.
And I'm like, I didn't even notice. I didn't even notice I walk every day. I don't know. I've walked for several miles outside and I've conquered winter because I walk outside and I don't think of being outside in the cold is bad for me. Because I know that we know we go in like these cold baths and it's good for us.
We know it's good for our immune system. We know the cold is actually makes us stronger. It builds our muscle up. We've completely changed our relationship with cold in the last 10 years with athletes going into the cold plunge,
Leah: and your mind is so powerful, right? Like we mind is powerful.
If you think
Dr. Jodi: you're vulnerable out there in the cold, you were going to feel it and suffer and not want to do it. But if you go out there and you're like, [00:23:00] this is really good for me. Yeah, this is
Leah: making me stronger.
Dr. Jodi: Again, you breathe, and you relax into the cold. 60 percent
Leah: of the time, so it doesn't even matter as long as I'm Yeah, because you
Dr. Jodi: could be like this out there in the cold like this, or you could just relax, and you're not, you're still the same coldness.
So I try to relax my body out there and be like, I'm cold, but what's the difference if I'm like this or like that? And it really changed, how I think about whatever job that I approach. I make it fun. My kids, like teenagers that they have it, they know it's coming. I'm like, let's put some music on and clean the house.
That doesn't make it fun, mom. And I'm like, yes, it does. It does for me. It totally makes it fun. Come on. That's just how I approach. And, I don't think my parents are like that, but I don't know. I don't really know how I taught myself how to celebrate everything, but I do want, I love do the easy thing.
I like that for an exercise, but like long term, how does it help you balance? Exactly. Yeah. And and so it gets you to ease up and you have to [00:24:00] practice easing up. So I like that, but we really have to change. We don't want you to then judge yourself after we need to do something about that inner critic voice, because this is what we're talking about here.
And so we have to change. I like to just turn stuff upside down. So turn that inner critic, not into a coach coaches are like drill, but to cheerleader self because cheerleader, no matter what. It's get that rebound even if the other team scores, we're still cheering for the positive part of it, we're still like looking for the positive in there and glad about, getting the rebound after they got the other team gets the basket.
Leah: Yeah, no, I think that's a great idea. Cheerleader instead of coach, that makes a lot of sense. And just like you said earlier talk to yourself like you would a friend.
Dr. Jodi: Talk to yourself like you're a friend. Have total compassion, and the validation that you're doing is not necessarily compassion, it is celebration of your awesomeness.
And then I promise it'll change your energy level about it all. You'll be more [00:25:00] productive, but feel like you did less, but you'll actually have so much more fun. And the goal is not to be more productive. That's not our goal. But the goal is to have less pressure. Because that negative critic or that negative inner critic is pressure and it's suffering.
It's definitely going to get in the way in the end. We think that it motivates us to get stuff done, but it actually gets in the way. And Think about without that and having a cheerleader instead, how much more you'll get done, even though that I know that not where you're attached to, but no, that makes sense.
Leah: Even I feel like I'm focusing on the goal too much instead of just enjoying the journey.
Dr. Jodi: Enjoy the journey. That is, yes, that's exactly what I'm talking about. Enjoy the journey. Enjoy the journey because the goalposts are always moving when you're an entrepreneur. You have to do this step, and then the goalpost changes, you do this step and the goalpost changes.
Yes, you want to measure [00:26:00] results. Of course, you need to know what you're doing, if it makes sense to keep doing those tasks. But you But you don't want to be so results oriented that you're missing the journey. And it's really about if you think about the big picture of this life, we're here to learn things.
We're here to make a difference to people. Yeah, we want to not do work that doesn't make any sense or get good results in those arenas. But yeah, that's like the important thing. That's what is going to make us feel good. That's what's going to make us live longer. That's what's going to have us like make more of a difference in the world.
And so those are the important pieces. Yeah. Yeah. I like that. All right. You'll have to come and tell us how it goes after you practice this for a while. I'm so glad to have you on Leah.
Leah: This was lovely. Thank you so much. I really appreciate all these ideas. I will a hundred percent be trying them out.
Dr. Jodi: Okay. We're cheering for me from here too. And so come on and you could eat whatever you could comment or send me a note and I'll update everybody on how you're [00:27:00] doing and I will keep track of you. All right. Thank you everybody for watching. Ask Dr. Jodi. I'm on live every Monday at 8 p. m. You could come on over to my website jodieman.
com slash live jodieman. com slash live I don't have my producer on tonight. So we don't have this on the bottom, but jodieman. com slash live You could sign up for text updates there Or you could apply to be a guest like Leah on the show, and I will coach you live right here. So I'll see you next week.