Ready to breathe a sigh of relief? Welcome to Ask Dr. Jodi, where you get trauma-informed mental health and relationship advice that you won’t hear anywhere else. Today, we’re exploring the topic of self-silencing, a behavior where you hold back your needs, opinions, or voice, often out of fear of conflict, a desire to keep the peace, or a deep-seated feeling of unworthiness that convinces you speaking up isn’t an option.
In this eye-opening episode, Dr. Jodi Aman welcomes guests Adrienne and Alenka to explore the often-overlooked habit of self-silencing. Whether rooted in childhood patterns, family dynamics, or a fear of upsetting others, self-silencing can erode self-worth and lead to resentment or burnout.
Adrienne shares her experience of prioritizing others’ needs over her own, tracing it back to growing up in a split family and wanting to feel wanted. Meanwhile, Alenka opens up about her journey through burnout, learning how small steps like acknowledging her needs and prioritizing self-care allowed her to break the cycle. Dr. Jodi provides compassionate insights on how self-compassion, boundary-setting, and valuing yourself can transform your relationships and well-being.
Listeners will gain practical tips to recognize self-silencing behaviors, build healthier boundaries, and take small but powerful steps toward reclaiming their voice.
Key Takeaways
Resources Mentioned in This Episode
Thank you so much for listening to Ask Dr. Jodi! If you enjoyed today’s episode, please take a moment to leave a five-star review on Apple Podcasts and share this episode with someone who needs to hear it. Let’s create healthier, happier relationships together!
[00:00:00] Dr Jodi Aman: Hey everyone. Do you struggle with self silencing? Do you struggle with self silencing? Now let me describe what that is before I bring our guests on. Self silencing is when you don't speak up for what you need. You don't speak up to set limits with people who are disrespecting you or you don't give your opinion.
[00:00:22] Dr Jodi Aman: Like, say someone's like, well, what do you want to do? You don't give your opinion. And the reason for this, this is a term, so it's not a description of a way you behave because there's a lot of times we'll talk about that, that we self silence when we should self silence or when we decide consciously that's better for everybody involved, including ourselves to self silence.
[00:00:46] Dr Jodi Aman: So there's some times that we. silence ourselves. I'm using it as a descriptor now. Sometimes we silence ourselves when we are wanting to take the higher road, when we know it's not worth it. It's not worth our energy to use on that. Um, in, in, so that is a completely different thing that we're talking about tonight.
[00:01:08] Dr Jodi Aman: What we're talking about is the term self silencing, and it goes along with self sabotage. It goes along with self deprioritization. Um, it's really. That's the best way to describe it is de prior, de prioritization, right? So it's de prioritizing the self and prioritizing other people, other situations, and sometimes consciously that's okay because priorities change in the moment.
[00:01:40] Dr Jodi Aman: There's always a different priority depending on the context of the moment. And sometimes we silence ourself because it's safer to do so. Sometimes we think it's safer because we're worried and sometimes it's actually safer. And sometimes those overlap like a Venn diagram. Sometimes we're afraid and it is safer to self silence.
[00:02:04] Dr Jodi Aman: But what we're going to talk about with our guests is sometimes when we self silence, when we don't need to, or maybe can speak up, can speak up about what we need, can set limits with somebody, or we can express our opinion or what we want to do. In context where it's safe to do so, sometimes people silence themselves.
[00:02:26] Dr Jodi Aman: They try to make themselves really small and this suggests that they don't feel very worthy. So self silencing in those kind of contexts when you don't need to, when it's not safe to do so, but you, your anxiety tells you that it's safe to do it this way, or your self worth tells you don't bother anybody, or don't do this because you might upset somebody.
[00:02:51] Dr Jodi Aman: Then. And self silencing is not for you. It's not for your highest good. It's not for your highest relationships. Those relationships that you feel like you have to self silence in to have safety are not relationships for your highest good. So we're going to bring on, uh, Adrienne first and Adrienne is, um, our first guest here.
[00:03:14] Dr Jodi Aman: And she's going to talk a little bit about it. When I described what self silencing is, she raised her hand and said, this is like me. And I want to hear a little bit more about it. So bring on Adrienne and let's hear a little bit about her story. Hi, Adrienne. Hi, how are you? Oh, good. You sound, you sound very loud and good.
[00:03:33] Dr Jodi Aman: Oh, good. Very clear. Thank you. So tell us a little bit about your reaction when you, when you heard me describe self silencing. Well, just
[00:03:43] Alenka: even right now, I'm already feeling, you know, this wasn't right to speak up, right? So I guess I feel like right there is self silencing. It's that wavering between should I or shouldn't I?
[00:03:56] Alenka: Is it the right thing? Is it not? Um, but yeah, I, I guess I always, you know, when you did say the description, it really rang a bell and. Made me think that that was definitely me. Um,
[00:04:10] Dr Jodi Aman: almost. That's really interesting. So this is a incredible step for you to even speak up because you're so used to silencing.
[00:04:21] Adrienne: I really appreciate you being here. Thank you. You know, it's one thing to be behind the scenes and type something. Cause then you almost feel shielded to then come out and actually have to speak about it.
[00:04:35] Dr Jodi Aman: Yeah, and you got a little, little guy speaking in the background there. Yep, yep. A wolf. A wolf. Well, another wolf.
[00:04:46] Dr Jodi Aman: Um, who's your, who's your little, uh, little partner over there? Uh,
[00:04:51] Adrienne: he is, uh, older Chihuahua Jack Russell, 17 years old. Hopefully he's, he's, uh, He is not there anymore to my knowledge. So yeah, so that's good.
[00:05:05] Dr Jodi Aman: Okay, so tell us about, give us some examples of when you noticed that you're self silencing after you heard this term.
[00:05:13] Adrienne: Um, one thing that I do know is, um, I, I do find often that my spouse will say things such as, um, I need to put the mask on first,
[00:05:25] Dr Jodi Aman: right? It
[00:05:25] Adrienne: is, I mean, you do hear that term often. Um, you know, such as an airplane, you know, you need to put it on yourself first before you would put it on your children. Um, to me, that's foreign because I Immediately, you know, I would rather do for my children, do for somebody else than for myself.
[00:05:47] Adrienne: So, that's something. How old are your,
[00:05:49] Dr Jodi Aman: how old are your children?
[00:05:51] Adrienne: They are, um, 16, 23, and 25, oops, 26, excuse me.
[00:05:58] Dr Jodi Aman: Okay. Yeah. So they're a bit older. So you feel like I'd rather do for my children. So in terms of prioritizing and most people could understand that, uh, you don't even have to be a parent to understand that young people, Um, it should be prioritized in general, right?
[00:06:18] Dr Jodi Aman: So in general, of course, that's the priorities in your life, but you're not just talking about in general. You're talking about specifics, even specifics when maybe they don't need to be the priority. Is that like, what kind of examples with your husband saying that about,
[00:06:36] Adrienne: um, okay. Yeah. Even most recently where.
[00:06:39] Adrienne: Let's say one of the animals, right, one of my other fur babies, right, um, needs to eat. You know, they have specific routines if they're in the Kitchen, you know on the the mat or whatever, you know, it'll be okay, you know, so and so it's time for them to eat and Where myself I would immediately jump up and go do that, right?
[00:07:00] Adrienne: It's just a no brainer. Of course Why wouldn't I but I noticed that you know others me and everybody else in my house would say okay I'll be right there or Um, you know, and at times my husband has said, okay, I'm putting the mask on me first, you know, and he'll get himself something to eat or whatever.
[00:07:19] Adrienne: To me, that's such a foreign concept to me. It's a, you know, like you can wait, you know, they're here, they need it first. So
[00:07:30] Dr Jodi Aman: that, that need, I think that, that might be where there is something, um, they need it first. And there's times probably where they do need you first, right? So if somebody was bleeding or somebody, if there was some kind of urgency or someone who was in danger, the word need has a different connotation than if somebody, if two people are hungry.
[00:07:55] Dr Jodi Aman: I agree. And they need it first, right? That's no one's going to die in five minutes of not eating. Um, right. So the word need is, is interesting how we use this word need, and that puts all kind of pressure on us that makes us make choices. The word is not used, you know what I mean? Like we're not using the word need in actual, like literal terms of the word need.
[00:08:25] Adrienne: Guess maybe need is more, they need it prior, they need it before I would need it.
[00:08:32] Dr Jodi Aman: Well, maybe consciously that, that could be right sometimes. Correct. Like, um, you know, you delaying yourself two minutes to get them food. Doesn't, doesn't even sound like that big of a deal. Like in the, in the whole context of life, could you delay your food till you get the dog's food?
[00:08:50] Dr Jodi Aman: Yes. Is it teaching the dog that they're not the alpha? Maybe. I mean, it depends on what you're, what you're doing. thinking about a dog training. That's not the topic necessarily of this video, but you know, sometimes people say eat first and then feed the dogs. And then they kind of know who's the boss in the house and they're not, they're going to be okay.
[00:09:10] Dr Jodi Aman: In those five minutes that you're eating or 10 minutes that you're eating and they eat after, like, if that's the routine in your house, they learn it. It's fine. They're fine. But. But there's something else at play here. I feel like that's why you're giving me this example is that in your mind, it's like they need it before me, but you're using the word need.
[00:09:32] Dr Jodi Aman: So it's definitive and a truth. And there's no flexibility there. Right? So if you said something like, actually, it's easier if I just do that and then I don't have to worry about it. I could really relax when I eat and I, you know, I could really enjoy my dinner more. That's a whole different thing to say than to be like, they need it before I need it.
[00:09:55] Dr Jodi Aman: Do you know what I mean? Yes. Yes. What is that,
[00:09:59] Adrienne: what is that saying to you? I hear what you're saying, but it's one thing when you, you know, especially myself when it's something I've always lived by and part of it, if I had to, you know, self diagnose or somebody would say, well, why do you think, you know, you would want to put their needs or your children's needs or whatever, right, prior to your own.
[00:10:25] Adrienne: I, you know, I, The only thing I could think of is that, you know, growing up or, you know, whatever, you know, I, I know that when I have needed things or whether, you know, being little, you know, it's always been a waiting game and then there's nobody to rely on. And that isn't something how I, I want my children or my fur babies, people that are, who can't help themselves, who can't, you know, Do it for themselves or, you know, that's why they come to me so I can do it.
[00:10:59] Dr Jodi Aman: so when you were, when you were younger, you didn't have somebody to take care of you or get you the things that you needed. So a lot of times you had to go without your saying, or, I know I did,
[00:11:12] Adrienne: or I, I feel like it's, When people say urgency, I don't mean drop everything to go do it right this very second.
[00:11:22] Adrienne: Yeah. Um, and yes, I did, you know, grow up with a split family and but I would wait if I needed something, you know, I would, wouldn't ask right away because you felt, I felt as if I'm going to burden somebody, you know. Okay. So you
[00:11:40] Dr Jodi Aman: felt, so when you needed something when you were younger, you didn't ask for it, you're saying?
[00:11:47] Dr Jodi Aman: It was definitely delayed. It was definitely a You thought about it a long time, you wanted to ask, you had a, uh, you kept delaying, delaying, delaying because you thought, I don't want to burden anybody, let me look for a good time. Let me see if, let me read them and see if they're in a good mood. Yes. Let me see how long I can go without it.
[00:12:07] Dr Jodi Aman: Right. Let me see how long I could go. What was the mechanism like? What was the context of those relationships that made you worry that you were averted on them? Was there something that. From you, you think, or did it come from the context of the relationship? I,
[00:12:26] Adrienne: the context of the relationships, um, I, it could have been stemmed from very, very early on.
[00:12:33] Adrienne: Like I said, parents were divorced, you know, at a very young age. So I never really had that. And that, that's irrelevant, you know, never had the picket fence, the family of marriage, because that's, you know, that's irrelevant. But I guess I never had that stability. Is it irrelevant? I don't know. I guess you think I guess there's also a little stigma when people say, Oh, I grew up in a broken home.
[00:12:56] Adrienne: That doesn't mean that, you know, things were bad, right?
[00:13:02] Dr Jodi Aman: Yes, every, every family is completely different. So there's a divorce or, you know, sometimes, sometimes it's still very comfortable and secure. Sometimes it's not. So there's a whole variety of those kind of families and other families too. You know, families who apparently don't get divorced, but have a lot of conflict and, or, you know, uh, other problems.
[00:13:26] Dr Jodi Aman: So yeah, all families are so totally different, but you feel like, do you feel like, like, did you have like worry about them or guilt about them that they weren't okay? Or that? Uh,
[00:13:38] Adrienne: I mostly, oh, actually I should say all worry because I was never, I was split, right? So it was constantly at this one or that one or, you know, You know, different, you know, this grandparents, that grandparents, that mom, that dad, whatever.
[00:13:52] Adrienne: So to me, it was, you had to be good and don't be a pest or a burden where you are because you wanted to, you wanted them to want you back, right? And so even, you know, just, I
[00:14:05] Dr Jodi Aman: never wanted to be a pest or a burden. Okay. Do you want you, I heard you just say you want them to want you back. Yes. Okay. Because you visited and you visited different grandparents, you went to back and forth with your parents and you wanted when you were there for them to have a pleasant time with you and not be burdened by you.
[00:14:25] Dr Jodi Aman: So they wanted to have you again. Yeah, that means that you thought back then that you had to
[00:14:34] Adrienne: Displacement. I mean, obviously, I mean if you look and you say, okay, where do you what is your address? Right. I mean, now as a parent, right, I, and also divorced. So my children went through divorce. It was very important for me to teach them that wherever they were was their home.
[00:14:52] Dr Jodi Aman: Where
[00:14:53] Adrienne: for myself, I mean, that's your child. You don't, you don't think like a parent does. So, and I know that obviously my, my thought process when I was younger wasn't rational and it was, I mean, It was just, I wanted to be good. I wanted to, them want me back, you know, especially when they both moved on and had more kids and families and, uh, they all stayed right in their permanent residencies and I was the wanderer, right?
[00:15:19] Adrienne: The
[00:15:20] Dr Jodi Aman: Were you the only child like you didn't siblings whole siblings? Yes. So, um, yeah Yeah Did you make this connection before or did the not last couple days when we started talking about doing the show? I never
[00:15:34] Adrienne: knew what the I didn't know that that term what you're what you said self So yeah, I didn't know that that was something.
[00:15:41] Adrienne: I just thought it was
[00:15:47] Adrienne: I guess I would just look and if I had to put a definition, it would just be, um, you know, you know, selfless, right? Just some, you just kind of doing what I can to make other people happy.
[00:16:00] Dr Jodi Aman: Yeah. And is, is that, you know, like, do you feel like If somebody, if you feel like somebody, do you feel like somebody just has, is either selfish or selfless?
[00:16:14] Dr Jodi Aman: Like that there's only two ways to be?
[00:16:19] Adrienne: It's definitely not black and white. I get that, but I feel that you do have a tendency. to be more than, more one than the other unless you are shown, you know, unless you are, unless it's brought up and kind of, which is I guess why I'm kind of here, right? It's kind of, is this normal? Is this, It, it, other, other, you know,
[00:16:44] Dr Jodi Aman: well, it's, it, it really depends.
[00:16:46] Dr Jodi Aman: It really depends. And I was thinking of this earlier when we were speaking just, you know, a couple of minutes ago during the show, but I was thinking, you know, you really didn't describe a problem and you said, well, I usually feed the kit, the, the fur babies first and then I eat. If that's not a problem for you.
[00:17:04] Dr Jodi Aman: If there's no negative consequences of that, who am I to call it a problem or who is anybody to judge? We can't say that's healthy or unhealthy. If it's not a problem for you, questioning whether it's normal or not is the problem, not the behavior. But in that behavior probably is not, you know, the biggest problem.
[00:17:25] Dr Jodi Aman: But if you were to not speak up or set limits with somebody who is disrespecting you, or if you had some needs that weren't being met by somebody really significant in your life, it sounds like your husband is trying to get you to take care of yourself. So maybe it's not him. But if there was somebody in your life that, um, that, disrespected you and you were worried about upsetting them and didn't speak, you could see how that would be a more of a problem.
[00:17:58] Adrienne: Yes. Yep. And I, and now, I mean, stemming from, you know, we were discussing little and where would something like this come from? When was your first thought of this to even now, right now at my age, I, it's the same thought process, but it's a very kind of similar scenarios. You said disrespectful, but what, how do you define Disrespect because
[00:18:23] Dr Jodi Aman: well, I guess if somebody makes you feel small or someone who makes you feel devalued Um, or
[00:18:30] Adrienne: I guess that's where i'm skewed because to me somebody who makes you feel small or devalued That's That, you know, I get that, but then when you say dis, you know, disrespected, I almost see that as more of a, uh, no one disrespects me kind of a scenario, but then when you say it as in makes you feel small, when you put those two things together, it's a, oh, that is a disrespect.
[00:18:57] Adrienne: Yeah, it's, yeah, it's a very eye opener, but I still live with that. I deal with that with
[00:19:02] Dr Jodi Aman: those families. But it, but it's interesting. So the context may have made you feel small, did the people. And also, is there somebody in your life now who continues to make you feel small, or is it you just repeating those old stories to make sure you don't upset anybody else or still get.
[00:19:19] Dr Jodi Aman: Asked back, you know what I mean? Is it, are you perpetuating it or still because you want to be involved with your kids or not be kicked out of your partnership or, well, I
[00:19:35] Adrienne: guess I, yeah, like, you know, From earlier saying that I wanted to be good to be able to stay, right? And now I'm right back there too, where these same families, right?
[00:19:49] Adrienne: Are still together with those same siblings and whatnot. And I'm still the, the, the piece that floats, right? The older step sibling. Yeah, yep. But I'm the only one, right? Yeah. But I do, I'm still dealing with that where I still, when, when I go, it's only, only me and my family that go and it's, I'm starting to realize that that is kind of disrespect that they don't, you know, there's no, Even ground, there's no, you know, it's, it's, you know, I put everything on my end, you know, aside so that we can visit and right.
[00:20:29] Adrienne: Do whatever they want, like, by their rules. Right, but it's not reciprocated, right? It's not, and being at this age and my children is just kind of one of these things that. We do it because it's expected. How do you know when self silencing has put you in this situation and how do you know or even how to stop it so that you don't continue to self silence?
[00:20:57] Dr Jodi Aman: Yeah, I think that you know for somebody like you is really sensitive and prioritizes their kids. I think it's honorable. I don't think that I don't wouldn't judge that in a second, but I think that you, um, if the rest of your family's hurting, sometimes it's easier, like when you're so used to deprioritizing yourself or making yourself small, sometimes it's easier to see through the eyes of, is this hurting anyone else in my family that I would like to prioritize?
[00:21:30] Dr Jodi Aman: Like sometimes you have to kind of go through that to then get to, I deserve it too, but what do your kids deserve? And, um, I have another guest coming on, Adrian. So I, I, we don't have much more time to go into this, but what I want to invite you to is to look at, especially leading up to the holidays, because I, when I hear you talking, I'm thinking they're celebrations and you're an outsider, but you go and blah, blah, blah, blah.
[00:21:57] Dr Jodi Aman: And so you don't have to do any action or change anything or speak up or anything, but this might be a good time to think about, are they. Loving towards my kids and my family. Are they inclusive? Are they caring? Is there some mutualness of it? And maybe just take this year to observe a little bit. And then ask yourself what you would say if you could, maybe you would never say it.
[00:22:25] Dr Jodi Aman: I don't know, but this is just a practice that I want to invite you to. Um, and of course I'm here if you need anything else and you want to talk further, I'm sure I could talk to you about this for hours. Um, but if there's no problem, there's no problem. But this is where it sounds like there is some kind of not comfortable thing is when you're invited to these celebrations.
[00:22:46] Dr Jodi Aman: Am I, am I catching you right? Yes. Yep. Absolutely. Okay. So don't, I'm not like change your life after these 10 minutes of talking to me, but at least I want to invite you in. Of course, I'm here for other things. I have a group or you could work with me or you could come on again if you want to talk further and we could use the whole episode for you if you want, especially about this.
[00:23:08] Dr Jodi Aman: But. Use this time, because I don't want you to like step so far out of your comfort zone that it's ridiculous. You'll never do it, but just spend some time observing because that might be where, where it's important is if your kids are cared about and your kids are. Mutually cared about, right?
[00:23:34] Adrienne: Right. Yep.
[00:23:36] Adrienne: And that makes sense. Cause that's my priority to me. And I'm like, yeah, that's I'm okay with sitting back and letting them go first. I mean, yeah, put the mask on them, you know, but.
[00:23:46] Dr Jodi Aman: But you're part of the unit too, like your family is one. So, so what's good for them is good for you. Like, I, I think that that's what I do is like, I teach empaths.
[00:23:55] Dr Jodi Aman: Because they're so, they're sensitive and you know, they're working in the world like you are, talking about you are. They're sensitive of other people and then that makes them maybe make themselves smaller when they don't need to. Because if it's for your highest good, it's for everybody's highest good.
[00:24:11] Dr Jodi Aman: And that includes your kids, your husband, your, the family members. Right. They might not like it initially. That doesn't mean it's not for their highest good. You know, I'm not saying I want you to stand up for yourself and like tell them off or anything, but if you had to set some limits and they got mad or something, it still might be for their highest good.
[00:24:31] Dr Jodi Aman: If you knew that if you did something, if you spoke, whatever you ended up doing and we're not ready, we're not even halfway there yet, but whatever you decide to do to stop the self silencing, if you, if it's for your highest good. Then it has to be for everyone else's highest good and sometimes that's our only way to be able to choose those things Because we wouldn't choose it for ourself and that's okay.
[00:25:00] Dr Jodi Aman: Does that make sense? Yeah,
[00:25:00] Adrienne: it does. It does. Okay different when somebody else That's it. But yes, thank you so much.
[00:25:05] Dr Jodi Aman: You mean to me like it was good that I said it. Yeah.
[00:25:08] Adrienne: Yeah, okay
[00:25:09] Dr Jodi Aman: Okay. Well, thank you so much for being on. I really appreciate it and we'll talk to you another time. Thank you so much I appreciate it.
[00:25:17] Dr Jodi Aman: Okay. Bye Adrienne. Next we're going to talk to Anika, Alika, uh, Alinka. I said, I, I knew it and then I said it wrong, but she's going to come on. So, um, Joe's gonna bring Alinka on here. How's it going, everybody? I know we're going to go along again. Oh, there's a couple chats in here. So let me just, um,
[00:25:51] Dr Jodi Aman: okay. We're good. Okay. Just check. Hey, hey, Alinka.
[00:25:57] Alenka: Hello. Turned everything on. We're good. Hi.
[00:26:02] Dr Jodi Aman: I am going to unpin me. So you got half the screen here. Hello. Hi. How are you doing? Good. We went over it. Of
[00:26:10] Alenka: course.
[00:26:10] Dr Jodi Aman: Don't worry about it. I was sitting and
[00:26:12] Alenka: working and doing stuff. It's I got things to do. Well,
[00:26:16] Dr Jodi Aman: thank you for being on and talking about self silencing.
[00:26:19] Dr Jodi Aman: Why don't you tell us a little bit about what made you raise your hand for this episode and this topic?
[00:26:24] Alenka: Yeah. Um, I think for me, this last few years have been a series of a lot of growth. Um, and one of the things I realized is that, um, I grew up in a environment where it was easier to make myself small in whatever way that meant more acceptable, more palatable, um, in order to fit in, in order to be accepted.
[00:26:49] Alenka: Um, and that, Worked really well for me in a lot of ways until it didn't. Um, and in 2021, I went through really horrible burnout. Um, and I think part of that was that, like, I, I didn't feel safe standing up for myself. I didn't feel comfortable standing up for myself. I, I didn't have the language to use to explain my needs and, and what was going on.
[00:27:13] Alenka: Um, and so, yeah, the last few years has been a wild journey of figuring out How to explain what's going on and how to, uh, share it in a way that, um, people can understand and that they respect and that they, um,
[00:27:29] Dr Jodi Aman: that is a challenge and sell that because that's a challenge. People ask that all the time of me is like, how do I, how do I say it in a way that people understand?
[00:27:40] Dr Jodi Aman: I'm like, well, you can't control other people. So that's really difficult. It's like how to say it in a way that I guess keeps you the safest you can, um, like literally not because of anxiety. Um, but, um, yeah, so tell me, tell us what you learned.
[00:27:58] Alenka: Yeah, I think, like, um, so, like, one of the examples, if we talk about family, because a lot of us, like, that's the hardest thing, I think, for me, it was, um, understanding how to explain it.
[00:28:08] Alenka: And I will say that my background in work, um, has made it that I've learned how to say things in a way that, like, Is very soft and gentle and sometimes it's too soft and gentle. Uh, so like, you know, sometimes people don't get the point across, but I've just kind of learned how to massage the message, if you will, so that it doesn't come across as, uh, like, it doesn't shut the person down that you're talking to, right?
[00:28:32] Alenka: Because then it's not easy. No, it's hard. It's, it's really hard to have that type of communication because you can't, there's still people are sometimes those cannons, aren't they? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, and that, like, you do your best, but I think, I think when you come in with the intention, or at least this is what I try to do, of the intention of preserving and growing and deepening the relationship.
[00:28:51] Alenka: Like, that is the goal. Um, I just, uh, learned that, like, there are certain things that I'm no longer willing Um, so, yeah. To, um, to say, or to allow others to say, I think someone, um, told me and I really liked it. One of the most powerful things you could do is to, like, say nothing and let them sit with what just came out of their mouth.
[00:29:13] Alenka: And like, just in that moment of no one saying anything, in that reflection, and then oftentimes they'll just start spiraling and talking and apologizing and that, like, you didn't have to do anything. Like, that's, it's a very effective form.
[00:29:24] Dr Jodi Aman: Yeah. Yeah. It's just like stunned. Like, like a little bit plain stupid, like what, you know, and it's very powerful.
[00:29:32] Dr Jodi Aman: It could be really powerful, like having them be a witness of what they just said by your reaction of like, that's weird. You know, um, great, great example. Uh, when, you know, when you're learning to stand up for yourself, cause I, cause I think this is important for people to know, and they're thinking about self silencing.
[00:29:53] Dr Jodi Aman: I mean, the answer to self silencing. Or to speak up is not always to defend yourself or to stand up for yourself. Is it?
[00:30:04] Alenka: Yeah, it's not, I would say that, like, you have to read the room and you have to feel safe in the moment to do that because it's not, it isn't always like it could be your physical, it could be your emotional, it could be, if you say something to your boss right now.
[00:30:16] Alenka: Things are going to blow up and not in a good way, you know, like, and so it's always kind of getting a gauge and I think the standing up for yourself or like the stopping this is like, first of all, just acknowledging that it is happening to you. Right because, like, I grew up with you
[00:30:31] Dr Jodi Aman: with yourself
[00:30:32] Alenka: with myself.
[00:30:33] Dr Jodi Aman: So it starts with you with yourself saying, um. I, and, and there's some compassion piece to it, I would call it, is this acknowledgement that this happened, I feel like this, and that is a regular human response to what just happened.
[00:30:47] Alenka: Yeah. Yeah. It can be something as small as like, Oh my gosh, I'm really exhausted.
[00:30:53] Alenka: Um, and I will say that I do get really exhausted after stressful calls and meetings or interactions with certain people, right? This is a response that I've started to recognize as a pattern. Um, And like taking a moment to take a deep breath or lying down or like listening to calming music for like five, ten minutes for me has been like, and allowing myself permission to that, not feeling guilty about it.
[00:31:13] Alenka: Wow. Awesome. It's wild compared to like, just push through, go through, have another cup of coffee, just keep doing it like that. And that's, I mean, that's what led to burnout for me. Um. And all sorts of things that I hope, you know, no one else,
[00:31:25] Dr Jodi Aman: that's just like allowing yourself to feel, allowing yourself to recover.
[00:31:29] Alenka: Yeah, exactly.
[00:31:31] Dr Jodi Aman: Care and compassion for yourself is really the first step in no longer being self silencing. You haven't even spoke to anybody else yet. Yeah. This piece is so, I love that you brought it up because this piece is such an important piece is like our relationship with ourself is one of the biggest factors here.
[00:31:52] Dr Jodi Aman: I mean, sometimes, like you said, it's the context. Some people are dangerous and there's no point just standing up for yourself to them. It's like, get away and stay away. Um, but there's sometimes, uh, but, but the everything else and all those situations, it's about allowing ourself to feel or feeling, allowing ourself to have our process, allowing that rest or recovery time or this compassion time or some kind of self care time.
[00:32:18] Dr Jodi Aman: It's really beautiful. And then sometimes you recover so much, you don't have to say anything, but actually you did stand up for yourself because you were like that. I'm not taking that in.
[00:32:31] Alenka: I mean, every situation is different. I will say that, like, so for example, there was a situation with a boss last year where I, I said what I felt comfortable saying in the moment.
[00:32:41] Alenka: And then I spent the entire night. Like, I wasn't able to sleep. I was crying. I was freaking out. And then I scheduled time with the superiors and, like, had the conversation. Right? And so, like, It doesn't always happen in the moment. It doesn't always look as clean as I think we like to think it does. It can look really messy.
[00:32:58] Alenka: It can look like a lot of different things. But I think just acknowledging whatever it is first, because I was the queen of should. Uh, you know, like, oh, I should do this, or I should feel that way, or like, and that doesn't always happen. It invalidates what you're feeling, but the feelings were still there.
[00:33:16] Dr Jodi Aman: Yes. It's all negative self judgment, right? So it's invalidation on top of the invalidation that happened that caused you to be upset in the first place.
[00:33:25] Alenka: Yeah.
[00:33:26] Dr Jodi Aman: Yeah. And so the opposite of that invalidation, basically self silencing is self invalidation, right? Yeah. And. And so when we want to value ourself, so the opposite of self silencing is self valuing, which could look like a lot of things, like you said, it could look like standing up and having that conversation.
[00:33:48] Dr Jodi Aman: If it was deemed you were safe and you were calm and whatever, you weren't going to blow up your life, um, or put yourself in a dangerous situation. And sometimes, like I said, it's getting out of there because it's not a safe situation. And that's it. Um, but it starts with valuing yourself, like laying down, listening to music, um, those things that you said, like accepting where you're at.
[00:34:12] Alenka: Yeah. And I think it can sometimes be really small, like last Mother's Day, my mother was visiting. We went out with a friend and her, um, kid, you know, as like a little Mother's Day lunch. And then we were coming back and we were all going to hang out and I got a crazy headache and normally I would just push through and I would spend time with everyone.
[00:34:27] Alenka: You know, it was a really beautiful day. I said, Hey guys, like I'm laying down. I, I need to get rid of this headache and I'm not going to be great company if I stay awake and stay with you, the world didn't end and it was, it's just so wild. Cause I grew up being like, Oh, you need to be a good host. You need to take care of everyone around you, but like this, nobody was upset.
[00:34:48] Alenka: They were all okay with it. And it was fine, you know? And I think for me, it's like acknowledging those small moments that like, it can be a big thing and it can also be almost like, like a small negligible thing, but those, yeah. Those build up, and so when the, I, I've gotten this experience, I was just talking with my therapist about it, um, to experience the concept of neuroplasticity and how that's really changed how I think about things and how my, the thoughts, instead of like ignoring them and pushing them down, I acknowledge them, and when I can take care of how I'm feeling, I do, and if I can't do it right away, I'll, I'll do my best to do something about it later on, um, but really prioritizing that instead of Everyone and everything around me has been a weird shift.
[00:35:32] Alenka: It's in a very good way.
[00:35:35] Dr Jodi Aman: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was talking to the last guest about when it's for your highest good, it does end up to be the, for the highest good of everybody else. Yeah. Have you found that now that you are honoring your highest good?
[00:35:48] Alenka: Yeah. I've noticed a big difference in terms of, um, a lot of different relationships where it's like, Hey, I'm going to do this and if you're not okay with it, that's okay.
[00:35:59] Alenka: But like that, you know, whatever that boundary, if it's a boundary or whatever that thing is. Yeah. And. It allows other people to have the freedom to do the same for themselves, which I think is so powerful. Yeah, it allows them to take that nap and not force themselves to be, you know, or to, um, Like, my family is very, like, we really, like, value the time we spend together, but, like, literally, the, I was just visiting them for Thanksgiving, and I was talking to my dad on the couch one afternoon, and I was falling asleep, because I was so exhausted, because I pushed myself so hard, like, I was, and, like, saying, like, I'm sorry, I'm going to take an hour, like, I, this is, like, we can't even have a conversation, because I'm not awake right now.
[00:36:38] Alenka: Everyone was fine with it. Like, yeah, of course we would have preferred to spend time together. But, um, I think in the past I would have pushed a lot harder or grab some caffeine or, you know, whatever it is. And I, it's just, And so when you
[00:36:49] Dr Jodi Aman: took that hour and then came back, this is what we're kind of talking about is that the quality of that time when you come back is improved because you were able to, you recovered.
[00:37:01] Alenka: Yeah, you recovered. I think, like, in the past, I would have been, like, on edge because, you know, when you're tired,
[00:37:08] Dr Jodi Aman: caffeine, whatever, push through, but it wouldn't have been as enjoyable as if you rested and then came back and really could be present.
[00:37:15] Alenka: Yeah. Yeah. And I think that's, it's a tough, like, now I see it more obviously, but when you're in the middle of it, it's not.
[00:37:23] Alenka: Especially when you have a
[00:37:24] Dr Jodi Aman: habit of doing it one way for a really long time and you think that's what's best for everybody. You know it's not best for you, maybe at some level, um, but you think it's what's best for everybody to stay. And then you realize, if I took this time and came back, the quality of that time could be so much better and everybody is happier, you know.
[00:37:43] Dr Jodi Aman: And I'm happier and I'm not so small and everybody's the same size. Like everybody matters and everybody's valued. And that's really where the transformation is. So I love your examples are so relatable and perfect because I think when you describe yourself before, you know, when you were a burnout, that's only like three years ago you're talking about and everyone in the world was burned out in 2021.
[00:38:10] Dr Jodi Aman: But, um, yeah. It was so overwhelming. Um, and then the transformation you did, this commitment you must have made to yourself in, in this healing journey is pretty, um,
[00:38:25] Alenka: It's been a wild ride and now like if you had told me I would be in the place I am today I would have thought you were crazy. You probably had
[00:38:33] Dr Jodi Aman: some really great help.
[00:38:34] Dr Jodi Aman: I have
[00:38:35] Alenka: had some really great help I've had some amazing people surrounding me and yeah, and I've spent the dedicated effort trying to You know, it changed my life.
[00:38:44] Dr Jodi Aman: Yes. And then your commitment to it. Like you said, yes. Excellent. Okay. Alinka, I really feel like that, um, your story inspired people that it is not that hard to do this and it doesn't blow up your life to start setting limits.
[00:38:58] Dr Jodi Aman: Um, and ask for what you need. Sometimes it could be a glass of water, sometimes. So happy.
[00:39:05] Alenka: Say that again. It could be a glass of water. Uh, you know? Yeah. Like it really doesn't have to be a huge thing.
[00:39:11] Dr Jodi Aman: Yeah, yeah, yeah. And if you start doing that, especially with the small stuff, that's actually a really good point.
[00:39:17] Dr Jodi Aman: If you start asking for the smaller things. People want to be helpful, right? People in relationships, they want to be needed as well. So if you are doing things for them and they feel like they could do things for you, they feel so wanted and needed. And I think you want to feel wanted and needed. So if you are self silencing out there, start small.
[00:39:41] Dr Jodi Aman: Yeah. Ask for something like a glass of water, get it for other people to, you know, make it a mutual thing that you're asking for stuff and notice people's faces. They're so happy to feel needed like that might encourage you to keep going and keep asking for stuff you need. And those are relationships that are good at mutual relationships that you want to be in.
[00:40:03] Dr Jodi Aman: Yeah.
[00:40:04] Alenka: That makes a huge difference.
[00:40:05] Dr Jodi Aman: Well, thanks so much. I'm just gonna, um, uh, we could say goodbye to you, uh, Alenka and, um, and thank you very much. And, and I will, um, just sign off after you hang up here. It's uploading
[00:40:20] Alenka: on my side. Should I leave it open?
[00:40:23] Dr Jodi Aman: Oh yeah. You could do it in the background. So, so thank you, uh, Adrian and Elenka.
[00:40:29] Dr Jodi Aman: And I am so happy that you've joined us today. Please subscribe. I'm live every Monday at 8 PM. If you're listening to this on a podcast, if you're on Apple, please give me a five star review that gets this out to other people, which is so needed. Uh, come on over to YouTube. Follow me there so that you can see me live.
[00:40:48] Dr Jodi Aman: You could join in the comments and if you want to sign up to be a call in, uh, guest, I would love to have you on. I have a list of topics and you could be like, this is me and I need some help and you get some live coaching right on. Sometimes I just have one guest, you get a whole half hour with me, uh, for free.
[00:41:07] Dr Jodi Aman: So I look forward to seeing you every Monday at 8 p. m. right here. here and I'm not queued up everybody. So you're going to hear me talking while I queue up my outro.