Toxic parents can leave lasting scars, but you are not alone, and you are not powerless. In this episode of Ask Dr. Jodi, I dive into what it really means to have a difficult or toxic parent, how those early relationships shape us, and most importantly, how you can start to heal and reclaim your sense of self. Whether you are dealing with parents who are critical, selfish, or emotionally unavailable, or you just find yourself stuck in painful dynamics with authority figures, this conversation is for you.
Dealing with TOXIC Parents: How to deSet Boundaries and Reclaim Your Peace
Dealing with toxic parents can leave you feeling confused, exhausted, and doubting your own worth. Whether you’re still living under their roof or navigating adult relationships, the impact of toxic parenting can be lifelong, but you are not powerless. In this episode of Ask Dr. Jodi, we’ll explore what makes a parent “toxic,” the subtle and not-so-subtle ways these patterns show up, and how you can begin to set boundaries to protect your peace.
You'll learn:
Resources mentioned in this episode:
Key Takeaways:
Recognising Toxic Patterns
Toxic parents often use manipulation, guilt-tripping, or criticism to control or undermine. If you feel anxious or on edge around them, it’s a sign that something isn’t right.
The Lasting Impact on Adult Children
Toxic parenting can fuel self-doubt, anxiety, and difficulty trusting your own judgment well into adulthood. These patterns often recur in other relationships, making it challenging to set boundaries.
Setting Boundaries Without Guilt
Boundaries protect your emotional health, not punish your parents. It’s okay to say, “I need some space.” Expect resistance, but remember your well-being comes first.
Self-Care and Finding Support
Healing takes time and support. Prioritise self-care – whether it’s journaling, therapy, or connecting with understanding friends – to help you feel safe and valued.
You Are Not Alone
Many struggle with guilt and doubt when setting boundaries with parents. Seeking help is a strength, not a weakness—support is available, and you deserve it.
Thank you so much for listening to Ask Dr. Jodi! If you enjoyed today’s episode, please take a moment to leave a five-star review on Apple Podcasts and share it with someone who needs inspiration or help to heal!
[00:00:00] Dr. Jodi Aman: Welcome to tonight's episode of Ask Dr. Jodi, when we're talking about dealing with toxic parents, dealing with toxic parents. And really what you're gonna get out of this episode is not only dealing with toxic parents, but dealing with difficult people in your life, especially. People of authority, but really anyone that you interact with that is difficult.
[00:00:26] Dr. Jodi Aman: Of course, it's extra. I don't know. It's an extra [00:00:30] sensitive thing for people who have parents who are very difficult or who are selfish or who are narcissistic. I'm gonna describe what I mean by toxic parents, because I don't like to call people toxic. They're using toxic behaviors or using behaviors that.
[00:00:48] Dr. Jodi Aman: Are not uplifting of their children. And it's not, maybe not all the time, but a lot of the time, even if it's a little bit, if parents are using behaviors that are selfish [00:01:00] or that are demeaning or that are bullying of their children, it is gonna affect. The child, I'm probably speaking, the people watching this are not parents worrying about how they're acting, but they're more the adult children whose parents have been very difficult and they had, the parents had some trouble parenting and putting their kids first. So let's talk about that. What do I mean when I say difficult? Parents or parents that are not what you would hope parents to be? Just [00:01:30] unconditionally loving someone who lifts up their children.
[00:01:32] Dr. Jodi Aman: Puts them first, takes care of them, make them, makes them feel like they belong. Sees them for who they are, advocates for them, right? These are the things that you would expect parents to do. Take care of basic needs, but much, much more than that. Take care of the hearts, stimulate them, help them have potential to live in the world.
[00:01:55] Dr. Jodi Aman: Happy and centered and, I don't [00:02:00] know, giving and kind, right? Grounded. This is what we hope parents to be. But there's a lot of parents, a lot of you out there have had parents who weren't. Perfect. And nobody is perfect at all, and there's no expectation that people are perfect, but some parents use behaviors or engage in behaviors that really hurt their kids, and if you have had that experience growing up, I see you, this episode is for you.
[00:02:28] Dr. Jodi Aman: It's to help you break [00:02:30] some of the things that might still be affecting your life now because you can. No matter what you went through when you were young, and we know these things follow us our whole life, but there is things that we could do about it. There is ways we could heal and people do move out of the huge negative consequences of living like that.
[00:02:54] Dr. Jodi Aman: We wouldn't invite anyone to live like that. We don't say, oh, just because you live like that, then you're [00:03:00] have all this great stuff or these great skills. Yes, you actually learned a lot of skills and keeping yourself safe and surviving and keeping people calm and dealing with people, and there's so many skills that you do learn when you have a difficult childhood, but that doesn't mean it's okay because those consequences of trauma are also there.
[00:03:21] Dr. Jodi Aman: And though they feel like they're pervasive and they will last forever, they do not have to. People do heal from trauma when [00:03:30] they understand it, when they make meaning out of it and when they make half memories whole. So in the episode today what I'm saying is there's hope. There is hope no matter what you've experienced, people do come out on the other side.
[00:03:48] Dr. Jodi Aman: It might feel like really hard work, or it might feel impossible, but it does. It does happen. So find somebody could help and walk you through that process. So today we're gonna [00:04:00] be talking to Tammy and Tammy's gonna tell us a little bit about her experience growing up with her parents who were really difficult.
[00:04:06] Dr. Jodi Aman: I'll let her say that I'm trying not to label people so you could see how I'm being maybe extra kind and nice. These people have done things and there's so many clients that I have and their parents have done things that are unforgivable. Unnecessary. It's, the and I love these people so much, the, my clients and I, and it's so sad that they [00:04:30] experienced what they experienced so, so sad.
[00:04:33] Dr. Jodi Aman: Gosh, I have so many stories, but man, it breaks your heart. It breaks your heart. So we're gonna hear from Tammy and Tammy's healed a lot from her experience, but there's still some consequences that are still there. So why don't we bring Tammy on. You could unmute yourself and Hello. Hi, Jod How are you?
[00:04:55] Dr. Jodi Aman: Good. Thank you so much for coming on and sharing your story. [00:05:00]Would you like to tell us a little bit about what, some of your experience or some examples just so we can kinda get an idea?
[00:05:07] Tammy: Sure. I'm the oldest of four children, so my role was always one of caretaker as a child. By the time I was 12, I was doing all of the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, and the caretaking for my younger siblings.
[00:05:24] Tammy: Including when was 12. 12. I was 12 by the time that happened. And [00:05:30]then I would receive consequences depending on how. Pleased. My parents were with what I made for dinner or how quickly I got things done.
[00:05:40] Dr. Jodi Aman: Were they ever pleased?
[00:05:42] Tammy: Not really. I remember distinctly, I'd get a 95 on a test and the question was, what happened to the other five points?
[00:05:49] Tammy: You didn't do that well enough. Overachievement became a huge part of my personality.
[00:05:57] Tammy: Through the years. And that was from both my [00:06:00] parents. My mom and dad had different ways of expressing it, but there was a constant feeling of you're on your own. And that I was responsible not only physically, but emotionally and even in my teenage years financially.
[00:06:14] Tammy: So as soon as I was able to work, I was bringing money into the family. And even when I went to college, I was sending money home. So it was definitely a different kind of role
[00:06:28] Dr. Jodi Aman: than you see most kids today.
[00:06:29] Tammy: [00:06:30] Yeah,
[00:06:30] Dr. Jodi Aman: absolutely.
[00:06:31] Tammy: Absolutely. Yeah.
[00:06:33] Dr. Jodi Aman: Some people would call that a parentified child doing all of that.
[00:06:37] Dr. Jodi Aman: Actually I just saw a, our, a title of an article recently about, when the kids are, when kids are taking care of so many things, when they're too young to be doing that.
[00:06:51] Tammy: I agree. I see so much of that and I now that I work with children, it's. Definitely a huge red flag for me when I [00:07:00] see children that are fawning or trying to, the kids who sit at the adult table versus playing with the other kids or trying to care take and trying to manage other people's emotions.
[00:07:11] Tammy: That's always a huge red flag for me.
[00:07:14] Dr. Jodi Aman: Let's talk about that because that is one of the biggest consequences when you are raised by people with narcissistic tendencies, with selfishness, with bullying behaviors, is that the child attempts to [00:07:30] manage. And other people's emotions. Of course the other people, the abusers, are actually using that child to manage their emotions.
[00:07:38] Dr. Jodi Aman: When they're dysregulated, they try to get power over somebody to try to help them regulate, and the child learns what they could do to make that process easier and calm the parent down. Is that something that you. Experienced
[00:07:54] Tammy: Absolutely that I, from the youngest age, I can remember that I [00:08:00] do remember my mother was 25 when she had me, so she turned 30 when I was five, and I remember she had quite an episode crying, locked herself in her room, got very upset.
[00:08:13] Tammy: And being five. I didn't understand that. I was still in that, birthdays are happy and they should be great celebrations. So I remember when I was turning six, I thought in the way that I would have to manage my mother's emotions, I would have to mirror her emotions [00:08:30] often in order to. Act acceptably.
[00:08:33] Tammy: So I remember being, remember waking up on my sixth birthday and thinking this is gonna be a real bummer because I'm gonna have to go in my room and cry.
[00:08:42] Tammy: And I did. And I got in a lot of trouble for it. How dare I do that? Because there was other family present. And that's when I started to learn.
[00:08:52] Tammy: What was acceptable behavior in front of my parents in isolation versus in public or with other family [00:09:00] members around. So there were so many different rules that the hyper vigilance was maddening sometimes. Okay. Trying to keep up.
[00:09:08] Dr. Jodi Aman: So managing people's emotions that carried past your childhood.
[00:09:13] Dr. Jodi Aman: Absolutely. And you're seeing you, you're working a school and you're seeing kids, you could see that pattern happening with other families. Yes. And then hypervigilance. Yeah. So hypervigilance is when you're very aware of everything going on around you, [00:09:30] and you're very aware of other people and their behavior patterns, and you have to be hyper aware of other people's behavior patterns because if it shifts, it could mean danger.
[00:09:41] Dr. Jodi Aman: And that's why children who grew up in chaotic houses or un in with insecurity or with abusers, they are hypervigilant. Is that, yeah. Is that your experience? I just wanna explain that in
[00:09:53] Tammy: case. Yeah, absolutely. I mean that you hit it right on the head. And also when the energy shifts, [00:10:00] that's when my anxiety goes up.
[00:10:03] Tammy: Whether it's,
[00:10:03] Dr. Jodi Aman: and that's when you go into trying to be over responsible for pe, other people's emotions. Absolutely. I have. So you're responsible when you see a shift, you're responsible to pacify that if you possibly can or sway it, or, yes. Que it or something, right?
[00:10:22] Tammy: It's yes, and it's a constant, I have to remind myself sometimes that I'm not responsible.
[00:10:28] Tammy: For taking care of [00:10:30] certain people or certain situations because I could very easily fall into that pattern of behavior. So I try really hard to , boundary learning boundaries was a huge process.
[00:10:43] Dr. Jodi Aman: That is a huge part. That is another consequence I would like to share with everybody, is that when parents are abusive, they don't want you to have boundaries.
[00:10:54] Dr. Jodi Aman: So they've groomed you your whole life to not have that. Boundaries are bad and they're, they [00:11:00] will get you in trouble. They'll get you abused. Do not have boundaries with me. And so kids who grow up in these households don't have boundaries. They think boundaries means a rejection, and really boundaries are about keeping people safe.
[00:11:15] Dr. Jodi Aman: So I'm glad you brought that up. Thank you.
[00:11:17] Tammy: Yeah, that, and I think I still, even though I, it's much healthier for me, I think there are still times when I might think about it more than someone else of, is this appropriate? Is this [00:11:30] not where should I lie in this situation?
[00:11:33] Dr. Jodi Aman: Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So yeah, so you bring up you've brought up so many different consequences of growing up when your parents, first of all give you too much responsibility that you don't deserve and then criticize you constantly about it.
[00:11:47] Dr. Jodi Aman: Yeah. And then have so much emotions that you have to then be over responsible for. So we talked about being over responsible. We talked about not having boundaries. We talked about regulating other people's emotions. We talked [00:12:00] about hyper vigilance. Yeah, any more that we didn't mention? People pleasing, so that goes with, yeah, I think people taking a responsibility, I guess that it's a similar thing.
[00:12:11] Tammy: It definitely is. And I think weighing, negative feelings that someone might have versus positive feelings. So a lot of times if I hear even one. Small criticism, it can feel a lot bigger than it probably should a lot of times.
[00:12:28] Tammy: So I really have to [00:12:30] use a lot of perspective taking to try to balance those things out. Or if someone seems upset with me, it can feel catastrophic if I'm feeling especially stressed out. So I really have to weigh that and I tend to. Wanna talk about it, what did you mean by that? What can I do to fix the problem?
[00:12:49] Tammy: Whereas sometimes people are just upset. It's very hard for me to just let someone be upset and not feel like I have to do something to fix that.
[00:12:57] Dr. Jodi Aman: Yeah. It does sound like that you've [00:13:00] done a lot of work to Yeah. Be aware of these patterns and have integrated some ways to break the patterns. Could you talk a little bit about some of the work that you did that helped you?
[00:13:11] Tammy: Yeah. It was interesting 'cause I was in my adulthood when I finally made the decision that whatever my parents thought was not going to matter.
[00:13:22] Dr. Jodi Aman: , How did you get that? Probably was how, because they taught you your whole life that what they [00:13:30] think matters more than anything else, absolutely.
[00:13:33] Tammy: And it was very difficult. It was almost feeling like I, I knew I either had to break away from my family or I was going to have to break my way of thinking about what happened within the family. And by that point, my children were attached to them because even though they were really awful parents, they were somewhat decent grandparents.
[00:13:55] Tammy: And I didn't wanna take that away from my children. So I started [00:14:00] to just decide that. No matter what they said, it wasn't going to hurt if it was bad and it wasn't going to feel good if it was a good comment.
[00:14:08] Tammy: And that took practice. That wasn't just a, I made a decision and then Yeah, it was,
[00:14:14] Dr. Jodi Aman: I'm so glad that you said that because I think a lot of people think that they make a decision.
[00:14:20] Dr. Jodi Aman: And then when it doesn't work out, they think that they failed or they didn't do work. I'm glad you said that it took practice because yes, it is not [00:14:30] just a decision and we can make these decisions all the time to let go, but this, these are patterns that, that in very informative years were set. And so to be kind enough with yourself to be like, I have to practice this.
[00:14:42] Dr. Jodi Aman: And every time you see it coming up, you have to practice again to be letting it go. I'm so glad that you brought that up.
[00:14:49] Tammy: Yeah, I have things that I will say to myself, I'll say this is not a love thing. So I just say that to myself. This is not a love thing. And I also say, [00:15:00] I can't control what someone else feels.
[00:15:02] Tammy: I can't control what they feel. So just, I just try to stop myself and take a breath and get my vagus nerve under control. And it's very, it was very helpful. I will say though, that my parents had a very negative reaction when I started practicing this. It was not a difficult, it wasn't an easy process.
[00:15:24] Tammy: It was very difficult for them when they realized that what they were saying to me wasn't affecting me any [00:15:30] longer.
[00:15:31] Dr. Jodi Aman: Yeah, you had boundaries. They didn't like it. They did not like it. It
[00:15:35] Tammy: was hard. I love that what you said is
[00:15:37] Dr. Jodi Aman: it's not a love thing. Did you have other people supporting you in your life?
[00:15:41] Dr. Jodi Aman: Because if you were isolated, that would be even harder.
[00:15:46] Tammy: I, when I was younger, I had a great aunt who was with me until I was about nine years old, and she was just able to make such an amazing impression on me that I think I got a lot of my early [00:16:00] coping skills that I didn't even know were coping skills yet from her.
[00:16:04] Tammy: But I've been so fortunate to surround myself with chosen family along the way and really good, supportive people, especially women. So I definitely draw a lot of energy from them and then try to give it back as well.
[00:16:21] Dr. Jodi Aman: So when you say it's not a love thing, you've known love from your aunt and then these incredible women that you've surrounded yourself with.
[00:16:29] Dr. Jodi Aman: Correct. So [00:16:30] we, so it's like you have something to compare, like this is not the same category.
[00:16:36] Tammy: Yes. And then, but having my own children that was a game changer for me. So I was very aware from the minute I was expecting really, that this was going to be a different process and a different road for them than it had been for me.
[00:16:54] Tammy: So I worked really hard to make sure that I was not in [00:17:00] that parentification mode with them, that I wasn't doing those things. And that I was making sure that they were being raised with boundaries and healthy attitudes.
[00:17:10] Dr. Jodi Aman: Yeah, it's incredible. A lot of people think that people who are abused and continue to abuse, but it, there is a percent, and maybe it's higher than the general population, but it's still less than the people who have been abused and break that chain.
[00:17:28] Dr. Jodi Aman: You know what I mean? Absolutely. So say [00:17:30] absolutely. And we don't ever think about that, so if they say, 18% of people have been abused further, what about that other 82%? Wait, did I do the math right. Something like that. Yeah. Yeah. What about the other 82% who say, I'm doing it differently.
[00:17:44] Dr. Jodi Aman: I see that and I don't wanna do that anymore. 82% of people stop that legacy and I just. I think that's amazing when so much attention is on people who abuse again. No.
[00:17:58] Tammy: I think people [00:18:00] think, get this idea that's the only pattern, and when you're in a child, in an abusive situation, speaking from my experience, you're, I was acutely aware that I was being abused.
[00:18:11] Tammy: I was acutely aware that my upbringing was not like other kids. How did you
[00:18:16] Dr. Jodi Aman: know
[00:18:16] Tammy: that? The way they would act, the way that other kids would react to things. I didn't have that reaction at all. And I thought, what's different here? And I also knew that my parents would act very differently in front [00:18:30] of extended family and friends or,
[00:18:33] Dr. Jodi Aman: and then you had the aunt that was different.
[00:18:35] Tammy: Yes. And then I had her. That was very helpful. But I do remember being in high school and. Being ready to go off. And I really wanted to go into working with kids because I wanted to help the kids like me that I knew. Fall through the cracks. They're they're functional, but things aren't great.
[00:18:56] Tammy: And I remember a guidance counselor saying to me, you [00:19:00] know that you can't work with kids because you're gonna be an abuser.
[00:19:03] Dr. Jodi Aman: Oh, and I remember, I'm so glad I brought that up because I didn't know that happened to you.
[00:19:08] Tammy: That did. And I remember thinking, wow, I can't live here. I can't live in this town because they're gonna automatically label me.
[00:19:17] Tammy: As an abuser because it's a small town and people knew what my, it eventually comes out, what was really happening in the home. And so I literally left on my 18th birthday and I haven't lived [00:19:30] there since. But I was so aware of myself, so definitely keeping my myself in check because when you have adults telling you you're gonna be an abuser whoa, wait, what do you mean?
[00:19:42] Tammy: I'm. So this is just what my life will be. And it hasn't been at all. It's been the opposite.
[00:19:48] Dr. Jodi Aman: Yeah. Okay. So let's talk about how it's still affecting you now. Sure. When we were texting before about tonight, you were thinking about relationships [00:20:00] and how it's affecting your dating life.
[00:20:04] Tammy: Definitely I was married once.
[00:20:06] Tammy: I was married for 17 years, and ended up with someone who was pretty abusive. It was, there was a lot of domestic violence and control, and I think I had carried a lot of the way I had pleased my parents into that marriage.
[00:20:19] Tammy: I, the, a couple of things have happened from that. First, I don't really trust that people truly like me or love me.
[00:20:29] Tammy: It's very [00:20:30] hard for me to do that. But on the other hand, I also tend to give people the benefit of the doubt for too long. So I've had to set up rules for myself that once I start to see it and feel it, whether it's there or not, I have to move on. Which has been a healthier way to deal with it.
[00:20:50] Tammy: Than staying and saying maybe I can, maybe I'm not being a good enough girlfriend or wife or whatever. But saying, Nope, let's [00:21:00] really put this on paper. What am I doing? Let's be really radically honest with myself of what my behavior looks like. And can I control this or can't I, did I deserve this reaction or don't I, and that's been and hardly ever helpful.
[00:21:17] Dr. Jodi Aman: Yeah. You deserve a reaction that's inappropriate. So I'm just saying that because I, I, I know the dating world out there, but th this is what I tell young women that when you [00:21:30] start dating somebody. When you just start and are getting to know somebody, a lot of them go into that thinking, okay, am I worthy of him?
[00:21:40] Dr. Jodi Aman: Does he like me? Does he like me? Or he? She them? Yes. And really you're looking at, is this person worth my time? That's the question.
[00:21:50] Tammy: I'm so glad you said that because I really turned it around and it's made. Made dating a very different game of saying, do I approve of [00:22:00] him? Do I think that he'll fit into my life?
[00:22:02] Dr. Jodi Aman: Yes. I think that's the question. Yeah. Because if you're so worried about how they, like you, you are not really assessing if they're a good person or not.
[00:22:12] Tammy: Agreed. Yeah. Agree. And being able to stop a situation before it gets. Too involved that then I've had a negative response to it. So I do, and I also always think, what will this [00:22:30]person be like in a crisis?
[00:22:31] Tammy: What will this person be like when someone dies? What will they be like if they get in a car accident? What do I think the reaction will be? So I tend to ask a lot of different questions like. I really don't care if they like pizza and I like pizza. I care about, so tell me, what was the really, what was one of the losses you've had and how did you deal with it?
[00:22:53] Tammy: So asking deeper questions, I think.
[00:22:57] Dr. Jodi Aman: Yeah. And thinking and seeing how they [00:23:00] treat other people. Correct. Absolutely. Like even the stu the server at the restaurateur. Absolutely. A clerk a cashier or something like how do they treat people? How do they treat their family members?
[00:23:14] Dr. Jodi Aman: How do they treat people who are strangers and friends? That that's really, that's a really a brilliant change around to thinking like, does he like me and am I doing something wrong? If he doesn't. [00:23:30] Yeah, I don't even know. And it's sad if it's like a no. It's, the question is this person worth my time?
[00:23:38] Dr. Jodi Aman: Is this person worth another hour of my time? That's it. That's all you're committing to, like each time,
[00:23:43] Tammy: yeah. Until you really get to
[00:23:44] Dr. Jodi Aman: know the person.
[00:23:46] Tammy: Was that worth the amount of mascara I put on tonight or not? If it didn't feel that way, no.
[00:23:53] Dr. Jodi Aman: Yeah. Yeah. And you know what I've had some friends in the past and then when they're like, when they're [00:24:00] like mad and they don't care and they're, they're, they maybe have no makeup on and they answer the door and they're like, what do you want?
[00:24:06] Dr. Jodi Aman: They're just like, don't that's when the person ends up showing up. And, we just heard a story recently about somebody who went on a first date, and the person just came from mowing the lawn because they were like, I've been on a. Bunch of terrible dates, and I didn't even, I wanted to meet you before I even like, tried to see to eliminate that, that whole [00:24:30] process and make sure that this person's real and that's the one that worked out, yeah. It doesn't always have to work out in that sense, but if the person passes that test, they pass that test. It's like I'm here to see if you're worthy of my time, and it really turns the whole dating thing on its head. And a lot of people are like, oh, it's, is it worth like dating?
[00:24:52] Dr. Jodi Aman: You have to expect that there's a lot of people that is not gonna work out. Yeah. People, [00:25:00] you have to expect that, think about,
[00:25:01] Tammy: It's like a job. You only need one. You only need one job. You only need one person. So I know, but you have
[00:25:09] Dr. Jodi Aman: to go through a lot of weeds. You have to kiss a lot of frogs or go through a lot of weeds or and you have to, find the right person.
[00:25:16] Dr. Jodi Aman: You need a bigger pool. And with online dating, the pool is. Big, but you have to go through each one separately. It's not like you're doing stuff in a group and like someone stands out as who you have a crush on. We don't have that kind of lifestyle anymore [00:25:30] where we're in big groups of people.
[00:25:32] Tammy: No, and I think I've just learned to limit the amount of time once I start to see flags, or once I just realize that it's not, there's not gonna be a compatibility goodbye.
[00:25:41] Tammy: I'm no longer afraid to just say thank you, good luck and truly mean it. Yeah.
[00:25:49] Dr. Jodi Aman: Yeah. Yeah. So is there anything you feel like you want extra help on? Because it feels like you are really in your process, in your healing [00:26:00] process. That doesn't mean everything's perfect. I'm sure you have bad days and things are difficult, but is there anything that I could help you with at all?
[00:26:07] Dr. Jodi Aman: Maybe if
[00:26:08] Tammy: I can? Yeah, definitely. I think sometimes I just have the hardest time trusting my own choices. Still. And it can be silly things like, should I get the red one or the blue one? Oh my gosh, what will, and I think I put too much on that and it's, it can be, I doubt myself in places as I [00:26:30]shouldn't doubt myself.
[00:26:32] Tammy: Is that
[00:26:33] Dr. Jodi Aman: because it doesn't matter as much. And so it matters more it like somehow, if it's something that was really mattered and it was clear. There's not a problem. 'cause you make decisions probably all day. We all do as humans. And so there's some that stick you and are you describing mostly the ones that stick You are things that don't necessarily matter, but Yeah.
[00:26:56] Dr. Jodi Aman: They symbolize to you that you can't trust yourself even though it's [00:27:00] like you are good with the important stuff.
[00:27:03] Tammy: Are you, I'm good with the important stuff. I am bad with, should I really buy this thing for the house or should I really wear that dress? I don't know. I don't know if that really looks good on me.
[00:27:14] Tammy: And I think it's like that, still hearing that criticism in the back of my mind.
[00:27:19] Dr. Jodi Aman: But isn't it interesting, Tammy, that it is attaching to things that matter less? Yes and like we're looking at the big picture of your life and your healing journey, [00:27:30] the fact that it only could attach to this because you really haven't had motivation to be like, I need to get rid of this.
[00:27:36] Dr. Jodi Aman: This is like too important because these things aren't as important, but for some reason they're attached to this narrative that you can't trust yourself.
[00:27:47] Tammy: Yeah. And so
[00:27:49] Dr. Jodi Aman: we
[00:27:49] Dr. Jodi Aman: need to change
[00:27:50] Dr. Jodi Aman: that meaning.
[00:27:51] Tammy: Yeah. And I think also. Sometimes I don't feel like I should hold space. So I really have to work [00:28:00] on those situations where I am feeling like, I really don't belong here.
[00:28:03] Tammy: I really shouldn't be taking up space in this space. Why am I feeling like that? What is it? So I'm trying to wrap my head around those situations. But do you think
[00:28:12] Dr. Jodi Aman: they always have meaning or do you think those are just old? Pattern thoughts or old negative thoughts?
[00:28:19] Tammy: I think you're right. I think that have no meaning.
[00:28:21] Dr. Jodi Aman: So if you're like, I shouldn't, I'm taking up space. I shouldn't be taking up space. That is an old probably from when you're little, take up no space. So you're off anybody's radar. So [00:28:30] nobody gets mad at you.
[00:28:32] Tammy: Exactly. I, and so there's
[00:28:34] Dr. Jodi Aman: some situations you're like, oh, I'm taking up space, and that feels like a trigger because in the past that was dangerous, but.
[00:28:41] Dr. Jodi Aman: There's probably rarely a time now where it's literally dangerous.
[00:28:47] Tammy: Yeah. And one of my close friends said to me, your brain lies to you all the time. Yeah.
[00:28:54] Dr. Jodi Aman: All of ours do. It's like a human thing. Our brain is like trying to solve problems to protect you [00:29:00] when it doesn't need to. So this is one of those times where your brain is saying, if you take up space, someone will hurt you.
[00:29:08] Tammy: Exactly.
[00:29:10] Dr. Jodi Aman: You could respond to it in a couple ways. One is like, why do I feel that? What is going on now that makes, that's triggered that feeling? That's, it's okay, but sometimes it's nonsensical that it just comes. Yes, you, if you did that, see it. I heard when you were talking about it that you did that and then [00:29:30] you were really trying to find what is the problem.
[00:29:33] Dr. Jodi Aman: There was like, then it's like a problem to solve. There was a problem. That's why I feel this way. I gotta figure it out. But sometimes there might be a problem. 'cause there might be you feel someone's negative energy and you're like, get out of this space. You have that gut feeling, get outta here for your own safety.
[00:29:48] Dr. Jodi Aman: But you were talking about the shame of I'm taking up space and I don't deserve to, is the feeling? Yeah. It still might be because there's a negative person around you. Or it just might be a random like worry because [00:30:00] your brain is on overdrive and has nothing else to worry about, so it's gonna bring one of these old worries.
[00:30:04] Dr. Jodi Aman: It's like a negative thought, like an intrusive thought, yeah. And if it was an intrusive thought, if we could tell the difference, and if it was an intrusive thought, then you're like, oh, there's one of those thoughts again. Have a seat right now. I'm busy. Yeah, that you don't have to figure anything out because it's not a problem.
[00:30:22] Dr. Jodi Aman: It's just an intrusive thought.
[00:30:24] Tammy: Yeah. And trying to figure out when that's happening, that, that's [00:30:30] hard for me to put that to the side. I feel like I, I go into that, oh wait, I have to take care of you right now. You came and you're in, you're being intrusive and I don't want you to get really big.
[00:30:41] Tammy: So I'm gonna try to figure you out right now. And sometimes I can get in my head about that.
[00:30:46] Dr. Jodi Aman: Yes. So that's gonna be a practice when you're aware of it. To practice like the gut, you might be able to have this relationship with your gut that you ask am I in danger? Uhhuh or Uhuh? Uhhuh or Uhha.
[00:30:59] Dr. Jodi Aman: Right [00:31:00] away it's Uhhuh or Uhuh. And so if your gut is saying, I'm in danger, then you could be like, where? What's, who's out here? And do I have to leave this situation because there's somebody, getting upset over there and I just don't wanna be around that energy. Yeah. So it could be a situation like that, but sometimes if it's like Uhuh, you're not in danger.
[00:31:19] Dr. Jodi Aman: You're like in the library, everything's quiet. It seems really fine. I don't know what, like your amygdala has an emotional memory and it could be a smell of a book. That was like a smell of a book in your [00:31:30] heart. It could be like so subtle and you would never make the connection of why this trigger came up.
[00:31:36] Dr. Jodi Aman: So you're trying to solve a problem. It's like you just melt something that you smell from your childhood. You might not even be aware of it, but the amygdala is an emotional memory, so it would trigger it before your prefrontal cortex gets involved. So there is no problem. Do you know what I mean? It could be so little.
[00:31:52] Dr. Jodi Aman: Absolutely. So what I, this is an invitation to practice. When you're feeling like that I'm taking up [00:32:00] space. Ask your gut, am I in danger? Uhhuh.
[00:32:05] Tammy: Okay.
[00:32:06] Dr. Jodi Aman: And because you're probably never doing something wrong. You're never like actually being selfish in a situation. Like it's just not you. So that I will eliminate that off the top.
[00:32:18] Dr. Jodi Aman: But if you're like, am I in danger, Uhhuh or Uhuh? And if you are in danger, you're like, okay, where's the exit? I'm gonna leave. I don't need to stay here anymore. We needed my car. But if it's Uhuh, then you're, [00:32:30] then you practice. It's a practice just like that. Practice. Is this is not a love thing.
[00:32:36] Dr. Jodi Aman: Say your thing that you say, this is not a love thing, and then, bring something out. Your mind wants to solve problems, give it something else. Be like, oh, go over here and clean this drawer out. It's a practice and you've done it before. You could do it with this, I think.
[00:32:52] Tammy: That sounds good. Sounds really good.
[00:32:55] Dr. Jodi Aman: Thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm sure you helped tons and tons of people. [00:33:00] Because the people feel so alone going through that,
[00:33:05] Tammy: there's so much shame of around it, and I really wanna break that. Yeah. You, none of this had anything to do with
[00:33:12] Dr. Jodi Aman: you? No.
[00:33:14] Dr. Jodi Aman: Okay. I'm so glad, I'm so glad that you were here. Please comment below if you want, if you wanna share your story or you want to express anything to Tammy, that would be great. You could do that under the video. I would love it. And I'm on live every Monday at 8:00 PM [00:33:30]I am off in the summer, July and August.
[00:33:32] Dr. Jodi Aman: But I'll have last show in the end of June. And I'll see you. I'll still have put up videos, so still subscribe 'cause I'm gonna still put up videos all summer on my YouTube channel. Anyway, so bye. Tammy, thank you so much for joining us. I hope that you benefited from the time. I know I did.
[00:33:51] Tammy: Thanks, Jodi
[00:33:52] Tammy: I really appreciate you.
[00:33:53] Dr. Jodi Aman: I appreciate you.