In this episode of Ask Dr. Jodi, we share our best dating advice after 27 years of marriage. Joined by my husband, Ted, we dive into the intentional choices that have helped us build a lasting, loving relationship. We explore how to gain clarity on what you truly want in a partner, set healthy relationship expectations, and recognize key qualities that indicate a strong, long-term connection. We also answer listener questions on knowing if someone will respect and cherish you, understanding the difference between compromise and settling, and how to navigate modern dating with confidence. Whether you’re looking for love or strengthening an existing relationship, this conversation will help you approach dating with clarity and purpose.
Welcome to another episode of Ask Dr. Jodi! In this special conversation, I’m joined by my husband of 27 years, Ted, to share our best dating advice for building a strong, lasting relationship. Whether you’re navigating modern dating or deepening an existing connection, we break down the key qualities of a healthy partnership and the intentional choices that have helped us sustain our love over nearly three decades.
We explore why clarity is essential in dating, how to identify core values before starting a relationship, and why mutual appreciation and respect are at the heart of lasting love. Plus, we answer listener questions on knowing if someone will cherish you, recognizing when to compromise, and avoiding the trap of settling.
If you’re seeking deeper connection and relationship success, this episode will give you actionable insights to approach love with purpose.
✔️ How to get clear on what you truly want in a partner
✔️ The key indicators of a healthy, long-lasting relationship
✔️ The power of mutual appreciation and open communication
✔️ How to avoid settling while staying realistic about love
✔️ Why small daily actions matter more than grand romantic gestures
✔️ Listener Q&A on dating challenges and relationship success
Thank you so much for listening to Ask Dr. Jodi! If you enjoyed today’s episode, please take a moment to leave a five-star review on Apple Podcasts and share it with someone who needs inspiration or help to heal!
[00:00:00] Dr. Jodi Aman: Are you ready to breathe a sigh of relief? Welcome to Dr. Jodi, where you get trauma informed mental health and relationship advice that you're not going to hear anywhere else. Advice that helps you discover that your brain is not broken, that whatever you're feeling is understandable and that you're having a regular human response to the context of this crazy world.
[00:00:29] Dr. Jodi Aman: Dr. Jodi. If you're feeling bad, don't worry. You are not destined to stay like this. You can get better and I'm here to help. On Ask Dr. Jodi, we cover topics that you and those you love are dealing with every day, at school, at work, at home, and we're helping you understand the problem, understand yourself, and the other people better.
[00:00:48] Dr. Jodi Aman: You'll hear trauma informed advice to heal your past, shift limiting beliefs, set strong limits, release what doesn't serve you, and finally, help you and those [00:01:00] you love feel better. I'm your host, Jodi Ehman, and I've worked for 28 years as a psychotherapist, so I've seen and understood the nuances of human behavior and relationships from a rare perspective inside people's minds and emotions.
[00:01:16] Dr. Jodi Aman: So together, we'll discover how you are so much better than you think you are, we'll build up your self acceptance and accelerate your healing journey. If you're listening to this show on Apple Podcasts, please give me a five star review so this gets to more people who need it. Ask Dr. Jodi is live streamed on YouTube every Monday at 8pm Eastern.
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[00:02:23] Dr. Jodi Aman: Hello, welcome to Ask Dr. Jodi. Tonight we're talking about dating advice for lasting love. Dating advice for lasting love. And I am joined by my husband of 27 years, Ted.
[00:02:37] Ted: Hi everybody. Hi everybody. Thanks for inviting me.
[00:02:40] Dr. Jodi Aman: You're welcome. Thanks for doing this. This is really fun. Yeah. Ted and I have never done a recording together or video together or really anything.
[00:02:48] Dr. Jodi Aman: But we've done work related things together because Ted's a counselor as well. So he's a licensed mental health counselor and he's been working in the field as long as I have. So we often talk about our craft, but so I [00:03:00] thought we'd have him on because our anniversary is Valentine's day. So that's this Friday and I'm trying to put a lot of videos out this month about relationships, good parts of relationships and maybe not so good parts of relationships and in this.
[00:03:16] Dr. Jodi Aman: Episode, we're going to talk about both. We're going to talk about the good things in relationship, what you're looking for, what you want. And I know everybody has different opinions about that and there's space for that. And then also some, we might talk about some red flags, but if we don't get to too many red flags, I have lots of videos on red flags and I will link to them below for, you to watch after this.
[00:03:38] Dr. Jodi Aman: So we want to give dating advice because We have a lot of peers, clients, young, middle aged, older, who are dating and it's a hard time in the world to be dating because there's not the pool of people, like [00:04:00] we're not getting together in person and doing things where there's places to meet people and so most people are meeting their partners online, which is great.
[00:04:08] Dr. Jodi Aman: That's where the pool is. But there is some trickiness to it, and we don't have experience because we've been together for 27 years, so we've never done it. But though we've walked many people of many ages through the process, that doesn't mean we have experience. What, but we're going to talk a little bit about from our own experience, what was important to us so that if you're in that world where you're trying to find a partner, you could Get clear about what you want and then reverse engineer it to take and take steps in dating.
[00:04:41] Dr. Jodi Aman: That makes sense.
[00:04:42] Ted: Yeah, I think even though the circumstances are different, right? Generations are different and the specifics are different, but I think there's a lot of stuff that over the generations, I think stands true, a good relationship. It's a good relationship. A healthy one is a healthy one.
[00:04:58] Ted: Yeah,
[00:04:59] Dr. Jodi Aman: so I thought we'd [00:05:00] start by thinking about what You value having you reflect on what you give value to. What is the most important thing? So if you pictured an ideal relationship and you probably have some people in your life that have a good relationship, they're, they laugh together, they smile together.
[00:05:18] Dr. Jodi Aman: They have affection. They've been together for a really long time because you could tell that they like each other and that there's no tension around them. They get along. When you are around that person, when you're around those people, what do you like about the relationship? What are you looking for?
[00:05:36] Dr. Jodi Aman: Get clear about that because a lot of people approach dating of I hope someone likes me and let me see if I can make them like me. And let me try to see if someone values me, but you really want to be clear on what you want and then you could. You're assessing the people if they're worth you spending more time with them.
[00:05:58] Dr. Jodi Aman: And I don't mean they're unworthy and [00:06:00] like they're not good or anything like that, are they treating you like they're, you're worthy? Are you, they treating you like you're special? Are they treating you with respect? Those things are important to assess and worry about before you worry about somebody else liking you?
[00:06:16] Dr. Jodi Aman: Are they worthy of your time? Do they make you feel valued? And there's a lot of ways that people could help,
[00:06:24] Ted: oh, no, I was just going to say, while you're, because you were talking about, if you're observing a couple that you think is, is, has a good relationship it is good to remember that no relationship is perfect, and so you might be like, oh, I'll never have a relationship like that.
[00:06:37] Ted: They're so great. They never have any problems. Which isn't true, there's a big difference between having a perfect relationship, which nobody has, and a really healthy one where you enjoy their company. And so I was just thinking that as you were saying that, Jodi, keep that in mind as you're observing.
[00:06:52] Dr. Jodi Aman: There's no way it's perfect.
[00:06:54] Dr. Jodi Aman: We're not perfect. And
[00:06:56] Ted: we seem perfect.
[00:06:56] Dr. Jodi Aman: We seem it from the outside. Nobody, yes [00:07:00] you're not looking for that perfect partner that everything's going to be perfect in because people are different. We were raised in different ways. We have different assumptions about things.
[00:07:09] Dr. Jodi Aman: And that's why it's important to get really clear about expectations. Most couples that come to me in counseling make assumptions about what they expect from the other person, but have never talked about it. They've been together for years or maybe decades and they've never talked about it. They just assume that the other person should know.
[00:07:29] Dr. Jodi Aman: They're like, I don't know why they did that. I'm like, you didn't ask them? It like boggles my mind. But it happens a lot. We're afraid to ask questions. We're afraid to get clear on things because we don't know if that's going to bother the other person or whatever. And so if you're dating and you want the best dating advice that we could give you, get clear about what you want in the relationship, what you're hoping for, what are some of your values that you hope that other person has so you're [00:08:00] aligned.
[00:08:00] Dr. Jodi Aman: And that's the basic basis, right? The basis is, are you aligned in what you value? Are you aligned in what is important to you? Because what's important to you is what you spend your day doing. And if you are Spending your day doing things that's not important to you or your partner spending their days doing things that you Actually devalue or think that it hurts other people or something Obviously, that's not a good fit
[00:08:29] Ted: and it might take some time to do that It might take some time to figure that out, so there's no set time to do that It's just a pattern you might notice I think right No, I was saying that it might take a little time to figure out if this, are you enjoying your time with them instead of saying, you should know after two weeks or yeah, that's what I was
[00:08:49] Dr. Jodi Aman: saying. Sometimes right away, see
[00:08:50] Ted: that good communication. I don't know what your time was very clear, but Jody did not know what I was saying.
[00:08:55] Dr. Jodi Aman: Ask immediately. If you don't understand something, don't make an assumption because that [00:09:00] leads to the most misunderstandings. Ever is when you don't understand and you assume that you understand. So we don't know that we don't understand. We think we understand, and it's usually like negative to ourselves or to the relationship.
[00:09:14] Dr. Jodi Aman: If we misunderstand and that has negative consequences. And so you might as well ask, this sounds like you're criticizing me. Is that what you want to be doing? Those kinds of things. Okay. This is what's so hard about this episode because there's so many different scenarios. When I give one advice.
[00:09:31] Dr. Jodi Aman: I know that there's tons of couples or tons of individuals out there that I'm not actually talking to because their experience is the opposite, right? So some people need to open their heart more and some people need to set more boundaries. So it's hard for us to be like, listen, open your heart more, because if everybody listens to that advice, that could be dangerous for some people.
[00:09:53] Dr. Jodi Aman: This is a very hard episode. I'm realizing that as I'm saying something and my mind is going, some people shouldn't have that advice, [00:10:00] actually. Some people are in relationships or people who are trying to control them. are trying to regulate their own emotions through that person. And it's very, it's not a safe place to do some of the things like witness the other person, cheer them on, use physical affection.
[00:10:17] Dr. Jodi Aman: We need the basic of mutual trust and secure relationship before you really open yourself up that much. And you deserve that. You could heal in a relationship and you could find somebody who has already done some work and you can match with a person like that. That doesn't mean never match with anybody who's got a single half a red flag.
[00:10:42] Dr. Jodi Aman: No, because people do heal in relationships and people learn if they're open to that. If they're open to that, it's a beautiful thing and it and it works really nice. So let's talk about a little bit of some of the things that we do That's important to us, that has made our relationship [00:11:00] sustainable.
[00:11:01] Dr. Jodi Aman: Barely
[00:11:04] Ted: after tonight.
[00:11:07] Dr. Jodi Aman: 26 and 26.
[00:11:10] Ted: It lasted well a long time. It was good. Yeah. Let's talk about some things that are Okay. The first one you were talking about I think it's a cliche, but it is, communication is key and there's a lot, I think there's a lot of pieces.
[00:11:23] Ted: That fall under communication, we can talk about specifically I was just thinking conflict comes up with the, with couples. And I'll speak specifically, Jodi is so good at apologizing and, and I am not good. I have a delay on that.
[00:11:38] Ted: I'm like, Oh, how does she do that? So well, so that's just one example that falls under communication. I think is am I going to let that stew for days or should I just go out and. And say respectfully my feelings. And that's always a challenge for me. And so that was one example,
[00:11:54] Dr. Jodi Aman: I think communication is there's a lot of mystique around communication because sometimes we [00:12:00] think that explaining your true self, but you're criticizing the other person's not necessarily helpful. So if you're, so if you're criticizing the other person, meaning like name calling, that I wouldn't say.
[00:12:14] Dr. Jodi Aman: You need to do that for good communication, because that's just hurts the relationship. That's an aggression. That is a violent thing to call somebody a name. But if you're negotiating relationship parameters, how do we want to see this? How do you see this? How do I see this? How do we want to compromise to know that this is how these are the expectations we're going to have around dinner, maybe?
[00:12:39] Dr. Jodi Aman: Do people eat together or do they, who makes dinner, who, what kind of food do you eat? There's a lot to compromise just around that one thing. Who gets the food? Some people like to just order out and some people like to make food. There's so many different variables and if we assume that my way is the right way, then you're not getting anywhere.
[00:12:58] Dr. Jodi Aman: But if you talk [00:13:00] about the relationship parameters around meals, are feeding the family then you have clarity. That's just one example, but so negotiating relationship parameters. It's something I do with all couples that I work with and we do all the time and you renegotiate all the time. So it's not, we don't have expectations on each other.
[00:13:22] Dr. Jodi Aman: We have negotiated parameters that we respect because we've mutually agreed upon them. And so that's when I was saying a lot of couples just make assumptions or they should just do that. I want them to just do that without even, I don't, I shouldn't have to ask. I want them to just do that.
[00:13:37] Dr. Jodi Aman: And I'm like, you could negotiate what you want, right? They but people assume that's how all people feel. That they should just know to do something without me even having to ask. They never, maybe they never thought about that, but if you negotiate the parameters around that thing, I want them to ask me about my day or something like that.
[00:13:59] Dr. Jodi Aman: If you're [00:14:00] clear and you negotiate, does this sound like a plan that we could both agree to, then if they're breaking that's a different thing than if they're just not thinking of it because no one's ever taught them. They might not have grown up in a house where people say, how was your day?
[00:14:15] Dr. Jodi Aman: They might be like, we respect people. They don't want to talk about it. I don't ask about it. There's a lot of people like that. And anyway, so negotiating relationship parameters. Remember that. One of the best things about us, I think is, and I share this as much as I possibly can to the people I work with, but we say thank you for the littlest things.
[00:14:37] Dr. Jodi Aman: We thank each other for every stupid little thing. Thank you, Jodi. We get doing the dishes, or doing the one dish, or getting, or cleaning, whatever we do. If it's housework, for sure. I'm just using those as examples. But, whatever we do for each other's families, or for our own families, or for around the [00:15:00] house, or for the kids, we thank each other, even if it's tiny.
[00:15:04] Ted: We do. Yeah. It doesn't get, it's not, we're not doing it 20 times a day or, but we do probably do it every day, a couple of times every day. And I think that's the next step of that. When Jody was just talking about, once you've set those parameters and you fall into your roles naturally or maybe you've negotiated them.
[00:15:21] Ted: It is good to remember that person is still working hard to do that and instead of just in your head, I have a tendency to be like that's your job, that doesn't, that's a, you do the bills, isn't that what you do? But I think it's really important to be like, thanks for doing that today, and so it might be a small thing, but.
[00:15:39] Dr. Jodi Aman: That's acknowledgement, right? We need, it's a validation. It's a small, in small ways we could continue to validate each other all day, right? So give value to each other. So would the other persons feel valued when they're thanked? So there's a lot of ways you could acknowledge somebody. You could compliment them.
[00:15:55] Dr. Jodi Aman: You can thank them. You could express appreciation, which is a little [00:16:00] like thanking, but different. You could you could do physical affection. You could listen. And have compassion, say, really understand, oh, that must have been hard, or those kind of things. All of these ways, or you might say, hey, I saw that you did that, and that inspired me, and I'm going to do that too.
[00:16:19] Dr. Jodi Aman: That's another way to acknowledge somebody. But these ways of acknowledging each other makes the other person feel valued, makes them feel like they're worthy. And that's what humans need. That's almost why we're in relationships in the first place. We're social beings. And so we're in relationships really to witness each other's lives.
[00:16:38] Dr. Jodi Aman: And when I say witness each other's lives, it's about if you're not witnessed, you didn't happen. So you are not a self unless you're in a relationship. You're not a self unless you're witness. It's like the tree falls in the forest. Is there sound? That's what we're talking about. When people are isolated, it doesn't do well for them.
[00:16:56] Dr. Jodi Aman: They don't feel good emotionally or mentally or even [00:17:00] spiritually and physically usually, people who are isolated a lot, they, their life span and health span is shortened. You need to get out and be with people. But it doesn't have to be a romantic relationship. You could be with people and You, they reflect you back, right?
[00:17:16] Dr. Jodi Aman: So we want a witness for our life. We want acknowledgement because that's how we self actualize when we know we're worthy, when we feel solid and robust in ourself, we have a robust sense of self. So that thank you is it's not just Oh, it's a nice thing that we do. It's literally. What we need to survive.
[00:17:34] Ted: Yeah, actually when Jodi was talking there I was thinking You know, you always see articles or in social media or something about you know How to improve your relationship or it's all over the place and so so many things are seen or talked about that are You know extravagant plans or go on a fancy dinner Whatever, but it's this I think most of the things on our list if Jodi were [00:18:00] to Jodi and I were to list them would be the simple things, they don't cost anything.
[00:18:04] Ted: It's these small little moments during the day that genuinely happen. And probably add the most strength of the relationship. I think it's those daily little. What else is in there? Yeah. What else is our daily stuff? We, so yeah, we acknowledge when we do listen, we do stuff.
[00:18:20] Dr. Jodi Aman: Apologize.
[00:18:22] Ted: I know that we cheer each other on. We I know I tend to, I'm in my head a lot and so I. One, one thing that, one thing that I try to remember to do is actually verbalize a compliment. Jodi had on an outfit or something that I thought was really great, of course, every day. I try to verbalize that.
[00:18:43] Ted: Instead of just in my head being like, oh, she looks really pretty today. I, it's important, I think, to have your partner. Otherwise they'll never hear it, so
[00:18:52] Dr. Jodi Aman: No one's going around saying that everyone's in their own agenda and their own head. And I tell people all the time, even young people, [00:19:00] when they are trying to make connections with other people, I say, the best thing you do is give a compliment, ask them about themselves, give them a compliment, say like your earrings.
[00:19:11] Dr. Jodi Aman: Or even if you're just starting to get out of isolation, go to a coffee shop, tell the barista that you like their earrings or whatever. Or thank you for the prettiness on the top of your cappuccino. Make a compliment. I literally had a client who's in college right now tell me that young kids don't do that.
[00:19:29] Dr. Jodi Aman: And I was like, I beg to differ. I beg to differ. People are craving that because everybody is in their own agenda and their own head. We don't barely listen to each other. Let alone notice and see each other and people are craving to be seen. People are so craving to be seen because we want to feel value.
[00:19:49] Dr. Jodi Aman: So important with the, with screens, screen time increasing so much. One of the things that people are being disconnected from is their sense of mattering, [00:20:00] their sense of worth, their sense of value, and valuing another person. Hey, let me just plug this my download here. This is a Gen Z survival guide, mental health survival guide.
[00:20:14] Dr. Jodi Aman: And yeah, JodiEvans. com slash guide. This survival guide is, tells what is going on and why the mental health crisis is so huge. It includes how it affects relationships because it does, our state of our relational health, our mental health, our emotional health, our spiritual health, and our physical health, all is affected.
[00:20:35] Dr. Jodi Aman: By this modern world and how does that work and how can we counter it? It's all in that guide. So you better get it. We have some questions on instagram my instagram As it's at Dr. Jodi Amon, I put out that people could ask questions for tonight. And so we got a few questions.
[00:20:55] Dr. Jodi Aman: So we're going to head to those now, but if you don't follow me on Instagram, please come follow me on [00:21:00] Instagram. I would love it. I lost 18, 000 followers when I got hacked. When I was doing hospice with my dad, it was awful. I lost my whole Instagram account. So I have to start from scratch. So it's a little tiny baby account and I need you to come over and and help me grow it.
[00:21:14] Dr. Jodi Aman: One of the questions was, what is the best way and the best time to bring up conversations in a loving way? I love that question.
[00:21:21] Ted: Yeah, that's a good one.
[00:21:22] Dr. Jodi Aman: It's so intentional and kind. Isn't that you know this person who asked this question is just cares.
[00:21:29] Dr. Jodi Aman: Yeah.
[00:21:29] Dr. Jodi Aman: I love that.
[00:21:30] Dr. Jodi Aman: Right.
[00:21:32] Ted: Yeah.
[00:21:33] Ted: When I, no, I have an answer. Are you laughing because you think I don't have an answer? Yeah the first thing that occurred to me or when I heard that was as I was processing it, I was thinking, it's, I turned that question on its ear a little bit. It's there are times where you shouldn't ask the question, if it's something stressful or maybe something has, Negative has happened or somebody's not in a good mood, whatever.
[00:21:58] Ted: Instead of a, [00:22:00] I think this is what I think. In a great relationship. I think there are more times than you think. Where you can ask a question that's tough. And you'll be successful. So you don't need to be like, I'm going to make their favorite dinner.
[00:22:13] Ted: You don't need, I, I think that. I don't think, I think that stuff works less. I think you just wait for a moment where it's calm or you're in your sort of normal routine. And then you can,
[00:22:22] Dr. Jodi Aman: It's hard. I'm assuming that this person knows this conversation might be triggering to their partner.
[00:22:28] Dr. Jodi Aman: And we could be talking about a friend or a parent or a sibling, right? We could, what's the best way to bring up conversations in a loving way. I'm assuming that they're difficult conversations that might be something, it might be some feedback that you're trying to give the person. Go on Instagram.
[00:22:44] Dr. Jodi Aman: I did a live today about giving feedback in secure relationships versus in relationships that are insecure. But what's the best way? I think that when we say, I have something to talk about right away, that puts people's insecurities up and know, [00:23:00] Oh, I, you don't want anyone to say, I have to tell you something.
[00:23:03] Dr. Jodi Aman: You're like, Oh, it's going to be bad. So you might not want to premise it like that. And I don't know what, this could be so many different things, but one thing that I really like is when you, this idea of asking for what you want instead of complaining. And it's not universally applicable, but let me give you an example.
[00:23:24] Dr. Jodi Aman: So if you have a situation where it didn't really go well and you want to give feedback and be like, this didn't really go well, but if that situation came up again, what if you invited. an idea. So say somebody didn't want to spend time with you, or you felt like that, like they, you've, you were all ready to hang out with your partner and they didn't want to, they went to sleep early, or they, I'm not talking about you.
[00:23:50] Dr. Jodi Aman: I didn't think you were talking about me. They, they just made other plans or something and they didn't, so you could complain about that or give feedback. I felt really bad [00:24:00] about that. That would, that's an idea, that's an option, but also you could. Say, hey, this weekend, why don't we do something together, right?
[00:24:09] Dr. Jodi Aman: So you could ask for what you want instead of complaining. You don't have to do that all the time and in some situations that's not applicable, but in some things it might be better or might be more welcome to ask for what you want instead of complaining about something, instead of giving negative feedback.
[00:24:28] Dr. Jodi Aman: If somebody is crossing your boundaries or disrespecting you, of course, that might be a different situation. But if it, if it's a misunderstanding or they just might not know, this might be a better way to go. It's just one idea, depending. But they always say when you're talking to kids, they always say, give some compliments first, and they sandwich it in if you have some negative feedback.
[00:24:50] Dr. Jodi Aman: But really stick with you, like how it made you feel How it affected you and what the problem is or how it affected that maybe you're sticking up for another person And you have to talk [00:25:00] about how it affected the other person If your intentions are to be loving it does go a long way They like keep your energy down Keep it curious instead of accusatory like that You could have curious energy when you approach conversations with somebody and you're like, I was just wondering what were you?
[00:25:18] Dr. Jodi Aman: What did you think about this?
[00:25:20] Dr. Jodi Aman: If you approach things with curiosity that also take the energy down, the people are much less sensitive that way.
[00:25:27] Ted: Yeah, I really like when you said if you approach it being loving, I think that's a, that is a huge difference. The other cliche. You hear about relationships all the time, it's know yourself before you can, or love yourself before you can love someone else.
[00:25:41] Ted: I think that's really there's a, there's some truth in that, I think, so why am I, okay, something's bothering me and I really want to talk to my partner about it. Why, it's really good for me and I, I'm passing this advice on, process like, okay, is this something that always bothers me and it's just my [00:26:00] stuff.
[00:26:00] Ted: Sometimes I have to sort through that before, and then it, sometimes it's yeah, that is just me. I don't need to say that to my partner. So I'm assuming that The person that asked that question maybe has done that already, but I'm just saying that's something to remember as well. So yeah, if you're coming from a point of this is the, I really love this person.
[00:26:19] Ted: I really care about this person.
[00:26:20] Dr. Jodi Aman: If the relationship's at the center, right. You're giving the feedback, hopefully to uplift the relationship or put the relationship in a better place. That's heard. If you're trying to prioritize yourself over the other person or something, that might not be, that's also not universally applicable because sometimes you want to give feedback to somebody who's really defensive or gaslights you or guilt trips you or something like that.
[00:26:45] Dr. Jodi Aman: And that is, you can't control the other person. Sometimes you could be so loving and you could do it all the right way, but the other person still is going to react bad because they don't, they feel reject, they are insecure. They [00:27:00] have insecurities that make them really push back when they think they're being criticized.
[00:27:06] Dr. Jodi Aman: Even if you can say it the gentlest way and you're really not criticizing them, they might hear it as that anyway. So you can't, you could be as loving as you can. And sometimes it helps a little bit, but there's still some people who are, with, because of their insecurities will still get defensive and not take it right.
[00:27:25] Dr. Jodi Aman: And escalate things. So you know who you are in those kind of situations. You could curb it a little bit. You could ask for it. You have a set of complaining. You could do different things or you could set boundaries that they can't cross. Watch my YouTube, watch my Instagram live from today.
[00:27:40] Dr. Jodi Aman: If you want to know more about that, but let's go to another question because we only have a few minutes left. See what I mean about, you have to have a caveat. There's so many different scenarios that we can give advice, but in some secure relationships and insecure relationships, the advice is. Like almost the opposite sometimes, you know okay,
[00:27:57] Dr. Jodi Aman: oh, what's the most important thing that you do [00:28:00] to support the relationship?
[00:28:03] Ted: We talked about a little bit. Okay. Yeah.
[00:28:05] Dr. Jodi Aman: I brought up that quote. I we did talk about that Okay, I was gonna say listen
[00:28:12] Dr. Jodi Aman: Yeah.
[00:28:13] Dr. Jodi Aman: Listen, hear each other. That's another way to acknowledge each other. Listening is, active listening is a huge way to make someone feel valued.
[00:28:23] Dr. Jodi Aman: If your partner is not a good listener, it's hard. So if you're dating, the best dating advice I could give you, find somebody who listens, who acknowledges you, who says thank you, who compliments you, who sees you, how you see yourself. It's unique to have somebody actually see you, see the good in you, even though you have mistakes and no one's perfect and whatever, but still sees that there's something good in you.
[00:28:48] Dr. Jodi Aman: Even when you make mistakes, they still see you. That is your person. So let me get one more here. So someone was talking about if they have conflicting messages, [00:29:00]so either messages from their inner critic or maybe from others, like from thought leaders saying, don't settle. So a lot of dating advice is don't settle.
[00:29:12] Dr. Jodi Aman: You deserve to not settle. And then there's other advice that's it's not going to be perfect. And it's better to be, have a companion, right? It's better to open your heart and not look for perfection. And so people are like what do I do? What would you recommend to that person?
[00:29:29] Ted: I think there's, I think it really falls to you as the person.
[00:29:33] Ted: And so if you have decided that you've been alone and it's those get to be really hard times. I And you have found somebody that, yes, they're not perfect or there's things that, that you'd love to see change. I guess it depends on, on, are you getting what you want out of that relationship?
[00:29:53] Ted: If that's, it's not, I feel like it's not my place to say whether, you should, Oh, [00:30:00]yeah, of course. Yeah, I'm just saying I think everyone has to make their own choice on that. As long as you're being honest with yourself, and not, there's a difference between, I think we've talked about this before there's a difference between fear, if you're just afraid that you're going to be alone some people do have a wonderful life and they enjoy being alone and, if there's a, I think if there's a Oh,
[00:30:21] Dr. Jodi Aman: well, also I was going to say,
[00:30:25] Ted: you're going to come rescue me from that.
[00:30:27] Dr. Jodi Aman: I wrapped this up here. If you consciously decide that you're going to stay in, in a a situation that's not perfect and you're going to work for it, or you're both deciding we'll do the best that we can here, you could consciously decide to stay there maybe because family or kids or something like that.
[00:30:45] Dr. Jodi Aman: And. And it, you could, it could be freeing to make that decision consciously, but then sometimes people make the decision feeling like they're trapped or there's a fear based like attachment to feeling [00:31:00] like you can't get out or can't do anything else. And there's such a hopelessness in that, that they don't feel good at all, and they stay, but they don't feel good. They don't try. Because if you're never going to leave a person. You don't try, right? There's no value in that relationship. And so you don't try, and the other person might not be trying either. That, I wouldn't recommend. If you're gonna stay together and you want, you could do that.
[00:31:25] Dr. Jodi Aman: People could do whatever they want. You could stay in a relationship like that if you want. But if you're wondering yeah, sometimes it's better. I know people who got divorced and their husbands are terrible. They're women, they're heterosexual women, and their husbands, that was a terrible situation.
[00:31:40] Dr. Jodi Aman: And they it's. That was so hard. I almost wish they didn't do it. That's rare. You don't hear about that often, but I think that's important to think about. But not to settle. It depends on how old you are. It depends on how realistic you are about what settling means. It's a relative term, right?
[00:31:58] Dr. Jodi Aman: It's totally relative. It could [00:32:00] be an excuse or it could be like, no, I don't, I'm not interested in this. This is not a good fit. It's not aligned. Of course you don't want to settle. It's just a term that really tends to confuse us more than anything else. Your heart knows. Your heart knows.
[00:32:15] Dr. Jodi Aman: And sometimes attachment seems like your heart, and it's not your heart. That attachment of I gotta hold on because I can't go without this person. That's not your heart. That's attachment. That could be a whole other video, I think.
[00:32:27] Ted: I think that is.
[00:32:28] Dr. Jodi Aman: Yeah, I think that is. Thank you so much for everyone who submitted questions and you can always do that on social media or in my email.
[00:32:35] Dr. Jodi Aman: If you want to sign up for my email, get that guide and then you get the email and you know all about all the topics for the show. You could even put it on your calendar. You see a text down here on the bottom text, you could text me, text Jodi to this number, 833 8 833 458 3845. Text Jodi there and you're getting on my text list.
[00:32:59] Dr. Jodi Aman: And what [00:33:00] happens is I text out the topic, I ask questions, you could ask me questions. When you text me back, it's just to me. You get private access. So call up so text in. And also if you want to be a call in for the show, you can do that too. So many options of ways you can participate and hang out and get some help directly from me.
[00:33:22] Dr. Jodi Aman: But I'm on live every Monday at 8 p. m. Happy Valentine's Day, everyone.